Authors are most definitely not hot. Or glamorous.

Josh Spilker

Not glamorous Karan Mahajan / Canteen Mag

Writers don’t traditionally get such crass and ubiquitous promotion. But why can’t they at least try to compete with pop-culture stars on the same terms? Let’s promote novelists as sexy and fabulous! From Canteen's Explanation about their “hot author” series.

Aw geez. Authors aren't hot.

People believe that other people are hot because they see those people out at least a few times a day. They are seen. Authors never leave. They are sunlight-deprived and lumpy and grouchy and only want their coffee black and bold. Authors want nothing hot or dressy or of vibrant color, only thrifty and tweedy and dank and noble and obscure. Movie stars aim to be 'hotter' and dress up or construct themselves in a way so that others around them perceive them to be of a certain beauty and/or hotness. People then give movie stars money to do this, and the cycle continues.

Authors, though, never get dressed. They can't get dressed very easily or quickly because they are continually poised to write down the nex greatest thought that has already been thought. Their hands are gnarled into snug cylinders, only uncurling at the faint whir of a computer fan or the uncapping of a nicely gliding pen. Otherwise authors never open their hands. Never shake hands, never give handouts, never give compliments, never give interviews, not that anyone is asking, because authors don't talk to people.

Authors have the worst social skills. Authors are every stereotype you have in your head: they have little human interaction, have a lot of time to dream up stuff, spend time by themselves jotting down that stuff they dreamed up, but then become scared that someone else had already dreamed it up. And when asked to explain it, they can't and they bite their lip and twirl their hair and blink a lot. That's an author's life.

Sure, authors will try and make themselves sound glamorous. Authors will say how important their industry is. How their industry was once great but is now in the tank. About how everything is such a tragedy compared to how it used to be. If only they could recapture how it used to be! Then authors would be glamorous and grand and great.

Authors will inevitably complain about how bookstores are dying. They hate the fact that people don't have to struggle to get their books, that people can just get their books by a touch of a button, on these really fancy and glamorous machines. Authors hate that. Authors think it should always be a fight to read. That no one should just read for the fun of it. No, there should only be certain ways to read or to get books and the proper setting must surround it. Authors hate adaptation. They hate growing, they hate change. Despise it. Give me bookstores or give me nothing, they say. Make it hard and expensive and tough to get. Don't make it easy. Never.

Movie stars don't care about Netflix/Qwikster/RedBox/Blockbuster/Regal Cinemas. They don't give quotes about stuff like that. They don't have time. And if they did they wouldn't tell you. instead they would talk to you about their new project, or film or new opportunity. Being hot. Being glamorous. All the time.

Authors could never do that. Authors care all the time. Authors are completely neurotic. They overly care. That's why they spend 5 to 105 minutes over one sentence. That's why they spend all this time wandering around dingy parks and dumpy restaurants and dilapidated museums; they're the only ones that care about such places. They care too much. They care about everything but people. Caring about people means making connections and uh, caring in general.

Whereas movie stars and rock stars, they only care about people. Because they know people will return the care and go to their movies and shows and stream their movies and songs. Authors only care about what their imaginary friends think of them. That's why authors spend all day constructing them. Authors only care about blaming New York City.

And what if you are an author that spends time with people? You're not a real author. You're a 'journalist.' Real authors don't like people, didn't you get the memo? Real authors prefer to be aloof. If they weren't aloof, people in society might actually care about what they wrote, or talked about, or read about.

But the more aloof you can be, the better. You better not be on Twitter, either. You better not blog. You better not listen to people about good projects, or new ideas, or differnet approaches. All that may compromise your vision, and if there's anything that can't be compromised it's vision, even though all authors are wearing glasses anyway.

Instead, you gotta pay your dues. You gotta pay $50,000 a year to learn about the real important books. You gotta pay $30 for a real hardcover. And what if you don't pay your dues? Authors will complain about you. A lot. They will call you a sell-out, even though you thought that was the goal all along. To make a living and sell stuff.

Authors can't be glamorous. They're too old. Most authors peak after 35 or something. Authors are ugly (see 'lack of sunlight.') They bite their nails, they don't comb their hair, they don't use very good skin lotions or nose hair trimmers. Authors are ugly. No one has to look good to imagine up crazy worlds. Looking good means being seen, something movie stars have to do. They have to be seen. It is the art of being seen. Musicians have to be seen. They think it's fun. It gets them off or something to perform live. To have others sing their songs. To cheer them on.

Authors, though, they get annoyed if you talk when they perform. All that clapping or snapping or yelling or moshing. So juvenile and exciting, that stuff. Authors prefer reverence. And hushed voices. Authors get off when the audience says “SHHHHH, shut up I'm trying to be subordinate to their clauses.” Authors don't like it when people come in late, take of their jackets, and unroll their mints, disrupting their 'flow' as if their reading is a river of life bringing water to the thirsty. Your reading is not a river of life. It's a river of your life. All authors drink from their own river.

Authors aren't hot or glamorous. Or sexy or fabulous. They're awful people.

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