July’s Most Average Moments

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We should have known we were going to be in for a weird July when a Death Grips napkin story dominated music blogosphere headlines before we were even able to celebrate our Independence Day. The controversially controversial punk rap outfit apparently decided to call it quits and cancel their upcoming performances while… maybe at a burger joint, maybe at a bar, maybe in their living room after finishing off some takeout Chinese and noticing one last clean napkin at the bottom of the bag. Whatever, though. All that matters is that they screwed over whatever fans they still had left, as well as anyone who was expecting Pitchfork Fest to be a unique experience. At least they cared enough to write with clean, legible handwriting.

If you want an indication as to how the rest of the month in music went, consider that the dude from Mastadon carved a huge penis into a giant block of wood and that it was a news story. Also consider that for some reason this year’s Gathering of the Juggalos might have been the weirdest yet… either that or Juggalos all took How to Vine seminars prior to the Gathering. In the future we should all band together and agree not to cover, report on, film, photograph, write about, record, or document this atrocity in anyway. There are already enough reminders that humanity is doomed; we don’t need to see a looping video clip of a girl twerking on a 500-pound man’s gut. Please. We really, really, really don’t.

Death Grips was a napkin all along.

Just like Lou Reed in his finest hour was a table; Death Grips at their best is a napkin. Death Grips is also an art exhibition and a money pit, rather than a money store. Death Grips is no longer a band, but stay legend, guys.

The two weeks Weird Al was relevant

Let’s all bow our heads and pray that Weird Al is finally out of the news cycle. We don’t get it.  Yes, he’s amazing at what he does, but how has a parody artist stayed relevant for 30 years? Until the mention of a new album, he was just another has-been on the state fair circuit. You have to hand it to him, though; it was a genius marketing ploy: release a video a day for eight straight days and what should have come and gone like a fart in the wind remained relevant for almost two weeks, with every e-outlet trying to capitalize by posting as much Weird Al coverage as possible. Yes, it resulted in his first #1 album, but the slight of Pitchfork not bestowing Mandatory Fun with a “Best New Music” tag has to sting. Next time, Al.

Jack White went to a Cubs game

Honestly, everyone looks that way as soon as you put them in a Cubs jersey.

Drake pays Rappin-4-Tay $100,000

It’s not that Rappin-4-Tay took issue with Drake lifting a few bars from their Bay Area classic, “Playaz Club”. It’s that Drake, Mr. Wet Blanket,  really wants to be in the sucker free club and this is his membership fee. Meanwhile, Rappin-4-Tay was heard laughing all the way to the bank.

More like Mastadong, right?

Mastodon frontman Brent Hinds’ woodworking masterpiece now known to the world as “Mastodong” makes it really hard not to walk right into a “that’s what she said” joke. After a bit of a lull, Hinds’ Instagram penchant for carpentry posts returned with an anatomically-correct vengeance this week. Now we can add “woodwork” to Instagram’s growing list of food/sky/regular “porn.”

50 Shades of Bey

At this point, might as well just rename it 50 Shades of Bey. Releasing a slowed down, sexed up version of “Crazy In Love” for the upcoming smutty mummy film, the track’s conspicuously missing her bae, whose marked absence has those TMZ tongues a-wagging amidst rumors of Jay’s infidelity and an impending divorce. With zero actual basis and an onslaught of meaningless coverage, Queen Bey really should just squash this shit… or at the very least, whip her subjects to submission.

Ariel Pink should have been kicked in the balls by a feminist

Ariel Pink taught us all a lesson in thinking through your ideological arguments before you speak. In his appearance on this week’s episode of the web series, Alexi in Bed, Pink relays his incredibly rude actions (and confused sense of identity within gender, historical, and personal contexts) that resulted in a very angry, very young woman macing him and fucking up his car. He blamed “women’s lib” for why he thinks he’s covering his ass by harping on the difference between only suggesting to pay for his date’s meal but actually saying “she makes her own money, she can fucking pay for her own lunch.” Miscommunications and emotional immaturity ensues and we come to our second lesson of the day: 99.9 percent of the time, using the term “women’s lib” in 2014 is a sign of totally deluded dickishness.

Juicy J, Wiz Khalifa & Ty Dolla $ign, “Shell Shocked”

Let’s pretend the VA scandals don’t exist. Let’s pretend it doesn’t feel like we’re one rogue missile away from inciting World War 3. Let’s pretend the U.S. isn’t knee deep in writing military checks its ass can’t cash. Even then! Without all of that to consider. “Shell Shocked” by Juicy J, Wiz Khalifa and Ty Dolla $ign is still sewer sludge, a river of feces, and guess what, knock knock… it’s no “Ninja Rap”. Thanks for crapping on our childhoods.

Gathering of the Male Gaze Journalists

Do male juggalos exist? By the extended display of NSFW photos some websites like to pump out like a trailer park pimp, it’s become apparent the Gathering of the Juggalos—to the outside world at least—is a lazy excuse to post sexist imagery in the name of journalism. Are we to believe all of the women of the Gathering are naked objects who sometimes grind overweight men who scream “show us your tits!”? In any other context this would be condemned, so we’re at a loss as to why any credible website would support this, let alone, condone it. Sorry, we wouldn’t think of a joke for this one. Besides, Juggalo jokes are so 1998.

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