Blessed clergymen and clergywomen! We've gathered here in this sacred house, to talk of times past, times that may never come again, and all that He would have wanted us to assess before his second coming. Before we begin, though, a quick announcement: the Indiegogo for our church's effort to replace our bibles with iPads to live-stream Yeezus during prayer time has reached its 80% goal. Please remember, a church cannot exist without the generous funds of its clergy. And iPads are pricey.
Now if you'll please turn to the Book of Rubin, Chapter 24, we'll launch into why most things about June left us wanting, what they were, and how we can get back on the path to righteousness. In Yeezus' name we pray, Amen.
11. North West now the direction of Mecca. Kanye and Kim gave birth to their child and it is named North West. Scientists have noted that lodestones have begun spray-tanning and only pointing towards caches of new, high-end vodkas.
10. Noisey teams up with pile of money to make another pile of money but bigger. Impose Magazine and its staff would like to heartily congratulate the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and MIA for their thought-provoking and thoroughly entertaining collaborations with Noisey, the best video-driven music discovery platform on the Internet.
9. Miley Cyrus joins the world's worst twerk team, makes unwatchable video. It'd be hard to pass judgment on this video because a person can only really watch it once. That being said, we indulged in it the one time and found Its only merit to be in how clean the pop star's teeth look. Anyone have her orthodontist's phone number? Asking for a friend. (My teeth.)
8. Zachary Cole Smith has long, blond hair and wan skin, probably Kurt Cobain. Have you guys seen that photo of Zachary Cole Smith taking a nap in his greenhouse and his buddy's all, “Hey Zach wake up I have a clipboard” ? It's pretty intense. Like, DIIV intense.
7. Deal or no deal, the Pixies carry out their new track, “Bagboy”, a song for olds. Kim Deal quit the Pixies only a month ago, and already Black Francis and his posse have uploaded a new MP3 to their Geocities site (PixieDustings). The song was written over 25 years ago, which actually makes us like it more, because Zachary Cole Smith wasn't alive yet. The song is boring, bring back Deal.
6. Jay-Z is Howard Hughes. *A megaphone crackles above Samsung's New York headquarters.* ATTENTION, ATTENTION. IS THERE A PLACE WHERE MY MOGUL CAN PARK HIS BOEING 747? HE DOESN'T FEEL LIKE TAKING THE AIRTRAIN FROM JFK. *Young intern opens suicide-proof windows a sliver.* “Yes, Mr. Carter. We transformed our helipad into a trampoline lined with money last week—you can land there. Didn't you read the inter-office memo?” ARE THERE PEE JARS INSIDE? *Intern hangs head.* “Yes, Mr. Carter. Coffee, Asparagus, and Ring Pop Garlic, all the flavors you requested.”
5. Buy some clothes so you can go to work. Go to work so you can buy some clothes. The whole world collar-tugs like Lionel Hutz with the photographic evidence that the Pitchfork Media offices are dominated by male writers who look like they've been photoshopped from the beer line at Jelly's pool parties circa 2009.
4. If you give a Wes a Bizkit. It may have been years since you heard the sunscreen song, or whatever, that was basically 4 solid minutes of unsolicited advice that you'd hear in your car while not driving the speed limit, not having your seatbelt on, and coming from just having robbed a local bank. Wes Borland, Scary Eye Accessory Man from nü-Rock outfit Shit Crawlers, unleashed a similar rant to the website Twitter Dot Com announcing that you could be creative, you just had to probably stop listening to so much Limp Bizkit.
3. Instagram now shaving more time off your life than a single cigarette. Fool me once, Instagram—shame on you. Fool me twice? Shame on the inane programmers and VCs who are still manipulating my every move through new app content. Fool me three times? I still refuse to take the blame because I am a part of the ME ME ME generation and the cause of unemployment. Fool me four times? Shame on Despicable Me 2. Fool me five times? Wait, sorry, I lost track of what I was saying because I just watched nine 15-second videos of someone's dog dressed as John Waters.
2. Drake can't handle the Heat. Aubrey, you've made it clear that girls love Beyoncé and that you are still up eating Tim Hortons at 5am, but what you never told us is that you were so thirsty to kiss the rings. Yes, yes: You couldn't play sports as a kid because of your handicap. A tragedy. But when you say that you can't make any new friends, some people take it to heart. You think Kermit the Frog went around yelling “no new friends” at Michael Jordan? Didn't think so. Maybe swing by the Harlem Globetrotters locker room next time (or the Washington Generals, they do cooler drugs).
1. 285 Kent mistakes children's party entertainer, Boyd Rice-A-Roni, for noxious fascist, everyone in audience gets free balloon animals. : D