Your smoothie fucking sucks

Kevin Bruce

photos: kevin bruce

I don't know who the first person was to put a bunch of stuff in a blender and drink it, but their actions forever changed mankind, for better or worse. A smoothie can be an amazingly refreshing and nourishing summer meal, or it can be an overpriced glass of mehhh bound for a Bedford Avenue trash can. And I feel that it's my job as a food writer to act as smoothie coach to the world. So here are a few tips to help perfect your at-home smoothie game and prevent any regrettable brunch choices.

DO

Banana or avocado – The bane of the Brooklyn locavore, and often the least ripe things at the grocery store, these two fruits are what makes your smoothie smooth. Use one banana or 1/2 an avocado, no more. When using an avocado, add a spoonful of raw honey to add a little sweetness and help with those godawful allergies.

Full-fat yogurt, kefir, milk or coconut milk – This is your liquid base. Make it count. If I use something besides coconut milk, I usually add a spoonful of coconut oil but I tend to add a spoonful of coconut oil to just about everything.

Fruit for flavor- While the banana or avocado are going to create texture and body, any additional fruit should be used to add flavor. Put in whatever you like, I never really stray beyond blueberries and mango though.

Raw egg yolks – A meal without protein is tragic and egg yolks can transform your smoothie from a pointless post-yoga refreshment to a legit meal. You won't die of salmonella if you use good eggs.

DON'T

Ice – If you want a smoothie that is, you know, smooth, don't put a single fucking ice cube in there, I don't care how hot it is outside. I've seen $6 smoothies that were essentially ice, orange juice and a handful of berries, which sounds like a glass of bullshit only a shot of tequila might barely make drinkable.

Fake milk – When I'm out to brunch the only things I really care to see on the menu are Bloody Marys and bacon, but I'll still scope the smoothie options just for the hell of it. I have no idea why, but these overpriced smoothies are always made with almond or soy milk. The problem with this, other than that these processed candy waters are gross, is that when you're drinking a bunch of liquified fruit you take in a lot of sugar. Sure, fruit is naturally sweet and all that bullshit, but it's still going to spike your blood sugar and leave you hungry again in an hour if you don't add a good quality fat to slow the absorption.

Juice – I always see people using juice as the base liquid in their smoothies, which is cool if you want a glass of fruit juice with some more fruit in it, but I wouldn't really ever call that a smoothie.

Anything from GNC – From the most bullshit frat house whey protein powder to whatever chia seed wheatgrass algae extract the cool juice guy is trying to push on you to local bee pollen, if you want to take a supplement, do it on your own time and just let a smoothie be a smoothie.

Green shit – I don't think anyone really has to worry that much about ingesting too many oxalates by eating a lot of raw leafy vegetables, but I keep 'em out just to disassociate with the dude I work with that is always talking about the gym. Plus, kale without butter is like the worst thing.

dog drinking a smoothie

Frankie approves!

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