All photos by Nimai Larson
Fancy restauants are kinda bullshit. Just like one-night stands. You are promised something spectacular and are SO exXxcited until you realize that what's in front of you is TOO SMALL and you smile and act like it's 'fine' but inside you're like THAT'S IT?????? Gimme that cheap, trashy food!! THAT'S where it's at. WasSsSsup with fries not being included anymore?? WasSsSsup with a sandwich that doesn't come with sides?? What happened to meal deals?!!? Well listen up, Fancy Restaurant, I'm here to tell you that "foie gras" means "fucking gross", "bruised kale" means "wilted, use it quick!", "blackened" means "oops I burned It", and "al dente" means "you better go back there and cook my pasta 'til it's finished (what am I paying you for?)!!!"
My Meema down in Texas taught me that I deserve more. More margarine! She knows how to make the TrashiesT//TastiesT food that lasts for days using ingredients eVerYoNe can pronounce. She swears by Country Crock, Coca Cola, Folgers Coffee, and Kraft Singles. I trust her cooking way more than some over-priced French cafe! This recipe is for all of you waiters that think I've been raised by a pack of wolvez because I don't know what half of your menu means!!
TRASHY SALTINE REESE'S SNACK
(makes 35 squares)
Preheat your oven to 400 degrees. Start laying your crackers down on a baking sheet. I like to line my baking sheets with Parchment Paper so I don't have to do more dishes.
IT'S MARGARINE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Margarine is like Butter—it's better on everything. I remember my sister asking our Meema for a peanut butter and banana sandwich. I expected Meema to come out with a sandwich like my Mom would make: Whole wheat bread, all natural unsweetened peanut butter, and sliced organic bananas sprinkled with wheat germ. I was wrong! Meema brought out a sandwich of white bread and equal parts Margarine and Skippy peanut butter!! She didn't have any bananas, but offered my sister a bag of Lays potato chips and Coca Cola to make up for it. NiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiCE
Melt one stick of margarine in a medium sized pan. Don't wash out the pan, you'll need it later. I couldn't find a measuring cup to transfer the melted margarine into to make it easier to pour on our crackers, but my SiCK Las Vegas cup will just have to do!
Pour ALL of the melted margine over your layer of crackers. No no no, a whole stick is NOT too much!!
After they are drenched, lay down another layer of Saltines on top and repeat the first step! That's right, another stick of melted margarine on top of your second layer! Don't skimp, guys. Because if you do the whole thing will fall apart! Maybe you're thinking "what a fatty, I'm just not going to do another stick of margarine." But you know what I'm thinking? You're a bitch! Listen to my Meema, she knows best! She's been eating margarine her whole life and she's 91!
Did you know Margarine is one molecule away from being pLasTic?!!? It's like, aM I going 2 DIE from this StuFF?? Or live 4eveR?! It tastes so GOOD! Way beTTer than EARTH BALANCE. Give the cowz a break.....eaT margarine!!! Should I work 4 PETA!!!??!! Margarine is cheaper than REAL buTTer!!! It's HIP to pretend 2 B broke so I'm DEF buying MARGARINE from now on!!! What does Organic even meaN?!!? I can't believe it's not BuTTer!!!!!!
Moving on. Let's talk about how amazing the combination of peanut butter and chocolate is. Salty and sweet go together like beer and pretzels. Gin and Tonic. Money and clothes. Black and gold. Celebs and US Weekly. Starbucks and tanning beds. Hot guys and tears. Art and getting wasted. Movie theaters and feeling ripped off. Break-ups and chocolate. Four-Loco and facebook pictures. Hangovers and fried food. Desperate Housewives and feeling better about yourself. You know what I mean?!!
Dump your package of chocolate chips and 2 TBS of Reese's Peanut Butter into the medium pan that still has traces of margarine in it.
Stir over medium heat until combined.
Go on, taste it!!! OMG IT'S PERFECT!!!! Takes me back to the days when I would hide Reese's under my pillow at night and eat them while Mom and Dad were asleep!!! I feel like I shouldn't even have teeth in my mouth right now because I eat so much sugaR!!!! I wonder how this mixture would feel on my body?!!! Maybe there's a Fetish Cruise 4 that???? Cougar CruizZze or CaNdY CruizZze...WHiCH 1 WOULD U Go 2?!?!!?
Remember our margarine soaked Saltines? It's time they met our perfect combination. Spread evenly.
One time I went over to my sister's apartment and she tried to give me a "dessert" that was sorta along the same lines as this. We had been talking about our ex-BFz gettin' all teary eyed and feeling like ToTaL RejeCTs (feminists would not be proud) and became dESpERaTE 4 sWeeT stuFF. She started laughing and talking about "Nimai, I figured it out. I figured out this *new* dessert!" So I started gettin' all exXxcited and feeling like Life wuz LooKin' Up. She pulled out Whole Wheat Pita Chips. This doesn't exactly look promising, but I'll have an open mind. Next she pulled out Peanut Butter. Getting warmer...maybe there's hope. Then she pulled out a secret third ingredient and really started giggling. "CHECK IT OUT," she said. She took a wheat pita chip, dipped it in peanut butter and then into Pilsbury Chocolate Icing that she had since she made my birthday cake a month ago.
I said, "I feel so poor just looking at that."
DON'T WORRY GUYZ. MY TRASHY REESE'S SNACK WILL NOT MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A TOTAL REJECT. TRA$HY IS CLA$$Y!!!
Now take 5 (or 12) crackers and crumble them on top. Stick 'em in the oven for 10 minutes and let it all melt together!!
Now for the FINAL step. Put the whole tray in the freezer for 20 minutes! I prOmiSe U won't be dissapointed!! All of the margarine will freeze and make the 2 cracker layerz become 1 (like the Spice Girls song) and the Chocolate Peanut Butter mixture will freeze to the crackers and it'll all become HARD and it won't stay LIMP cuz that's what we want and deserve!!!! xXxXxxXxxXX ;) ;)
What'll U do for 20 minutez? Look up pixxx of Snooki's new baby, Lorenzo?!! Watch the vid of Clint Eastwood talkin' 2 the empty chair?!! OMG he's STILL hoTT! ClinT 4 PREZ!! Check Prince Harry's f-book for those naked pictures...?? Oh SHiT he deleted his aCCount!! MAybe I should delete MY accouNT?? What even IS facebook!?!? That movie was WACK. Justin Timberlake wuz CRAY as Napster Bro. OOPS I BOUGHT A iPOD CASE ON ETSY!!! What else should I buY?? There's so much QuiRkY shiT on here! Wait.....I'm not quirKy. RememBer Hot Topic?? Is THAT still cooL??? Why R giRLz shaving half their HeadZ?? Is Skrillex a girL???!??! I thinK I stiLL like Red Bull!!!!!
20 MINUTES IS UP TAKE 'EM OUT AND CUT 'EM!!!
This trashy snack is like going on a GRrrRRrrRReaT date: ExXxcited to see how it's going to turn out in the beginning and pleasently surprised when it's a HaPPY ENDiNG!!!