Help me, Maury!
MAURY: Today we're going to hear the story of Melissandre, a sorceress who for the last two years has been supporting her evil shadow baby, Thaddeus, without any support from her father. Melissandre says she is absolutely positive that the Lord of Light is the father, and she's here today to prove it. Everyone please welcome Melissandre!
CROWD CHEERS BOISTEROUSLY
MELISSANDRE: Greetings Maury. I am pleased to be here to force the neglectful hand of the Lord of Light.
MAURY: So, explain to the audience how Thaddeus was conceived. Can we put up a photo of Thaddeus?
PHOTO OF A SMALL, UNSPEAKABLY HIDEOUS SHADOW BEAST RESEMBLING A PUS RAISIN IS SHOWN. A WOMAN IN THE FRONT ROW VOMITS LOUDLY.
MELISSANDRE: I cannot, for I know not how the Lord of Light buried his seed deep inside me, but I am quite sure that it was his stinking, slithery ass who did it.
MAURY: So you've had to take care of little Thaddeus on your own, is that right?
MELISSANDRE: Yes, and it's unfair. Everything is more expensive for shadow babies – day care, diapers, formula. I can't go anywhere with him without him accidentally disemboweling someone with his mind, and he just won't stay clean. Have you tried to bathe a shadow, Maury?
MAURY: Can't say that I have. But guess what? The Lord of Light is here right now – come on out, Lord of Light!
CROWD BOOS UPROARIOUSLY.
LORD OF LIGHT: Woe! Woe, unto those who boo the Lord of Light!
MAURY: OK, Lord. You don't think you're Thaddeus' father?
LORD OF LIGHT: Of course I'm not. I wouldn't dare to jeopardize my regal stock in such a sluttish incubator.
CROWD SCREAMS "OOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH".
MELISSANDRE: This is how he uses people, Maury. Or rather, uses their uteruses as staging grounds for sowing sociopolitical unrest. We kill Renly together, we rule with Stanis as our surrogate. One day he says he was going to get a flagon of mead, then he never shows his face around the castle again.
MAURY: I don't know, Lord, you do look an awful lot like the inky, nebulous embodiment of evil. What do you think audience?
CROWD SCREAMS IN AGREEMENT.
LORD OF LIGHT: SILENCE, MORTALS.
MAN IN BACK ROW IS DISEMBOWELED, SEEMINGLY BY AN INVISIBLE SWORD, HIS ENTRAILS FLAIL WILDLY .
MELISSANDRE: Just like his son!
LORD OF LIGHT: What son? And that photo is blurry! You Photoshopped that thing, Maury, do not deny it.
MAURY: Then how do you explain Thaddeus? Whose kid is he? Someone has to take responsibility.
LORD OF LIGHT: That I can't say, Maury. Though a knight told me he saw this wench hanging around that Black Smoke Monster from Lost's apartment.
CROWD SCREAMS "OOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH".
MELISSANDRE: Leonard is a friend! And he uses condoms, unlike some Shadow Gods who give the mother of their evil shadow baby crabs!
CROWD CHANTS "OOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH".
MAURY: All right, all right. Lord, will you accept Thaddeus as your son if this DNA test proves you're the father?
LORD OF LIGHT: Likely not. I shall have him murdered at once, and the impenetrable quickening precipitating the fall of mankind will only hasten with the death of my seed.
MAURY: Um, uh…*whispers* remember you're supp...
LORD OF LIGHT: Oh, right, right. Yes, uh, I will raise him and support him and his bones will rest with my ancestors, et cetera.
MAURY: OK. And here are the results. Lord of Light, in the case of Thaddeus the Unholy Shadow Monster, you…ARE the father!
LORD OF LIGHT: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
MAN IN AUDIENCE: You gotta take care 'a that shadow baby, motherfucker!
MAN INSTANTLY TRANSFORMED INTO RAT, BEGINS GNAWING GREEDILY AT MAURY'S CHEST. CROWD SCREAMS AS MULTIPLE PEOPLE ARE DISEMBOWELED .
MAURY: Are you a man, ah, ow, Christ, are you a man who has been turned into a rat by a deadbeat Dad who is a mystical authority, and do you want justice? Call 1-888-45-Maury—ahhhhhh Connie I love you!