Four seasons in a year comes out to three months a season, but with winters lasting later than ever and summers starting earlier than ever—maybe some scientists should start investigating this—spring has become something of a bullshit season. In New York anyway, it seems as if in 2014 May is the only true month of spring we're going to get. Can we equate blooming flowers and rising temperatures with the world starting to go batshit crazy? Probably not, the world is mostly batshit crazy regardless of the season, but maybe we can get scientists to look into it after they're done figuring out these mysterious changing climates.
Kimye wedding ridiculousness surprises no one.
On May 24, Kanye "I sent this girl a picture of my dick" West finally tied the knot with Kim "Leggings killed velour sweat suits!" Kardashian. Unsurprisingly, the Florence wedding was excessive in every way. Highlights include a giant gold bathroom/bar complex, a marble dining table with engraved names (maybe to emphasize the permanence of these nuptials or maybe to resemble a tombstone), and a small army of life-size black marble nude sculptures. These extravagant demands may have been the straw(s) that broke Kanye's back. According to a Page Six reporter, on the day of the wedding, Kanye ordered a complete rearrangement of the setup, even taking matters into his own hands to saw the bar area off the golden toilet complex. Always the curator, he declared the deconstructed version to be art.
Scouting free nipples.
Body equality is important. A contrived photo op for your half-nakedness thinly veiled in as important issue is not. At all. Sorry Scout Willis, but getting kicked off Instagram for a pic in a sweatshirt that shows nipples (that aren’t even your own) doesn’t really strike me as newsworthy. I know, I know, Ri Ri and Grace Coddington are getting fucked by this rule too. And yes, I think that shit is ridiculous and oppressive. But can I just, for a second, say that your nipples could be better used to spark a conversation about, I don’t know, the continuing conflict in Afghanistan, the dawn of frack runoff in New York's water, Ukraine’s more-than-unrest or Syria’s prolonged civil collapse? Social media and tits will have no trouble trending on their own.
Also worth noting: Scout's mom, Demi Moore, demanded many, many millions to show HER nipples in Striptease.
Billy Corgan has found his calling.
Let’s be honest, there’s nothing “average” about Billy Corgan's appearance on the cover of Chicago Paws magazine, but there’s no way we weren’t going to take this opportunity to feature such an iconic moment both in print journalism and in the public career of the former Smashing Pumpkins frontman. It’s been a fairly tumultuous last 20 years for Corgan who has constantly operated under the shadow of everything from Nirvana to his own ego. Now, in 2014, is it possible that he has finally found his true calling as cat philanthropist? Just look at his warm expression as he cuddles those two black kittens. He's never looked so good. Cuddle US now, Billy. We love you.
Macauley Culkin doing Macauley Culkin things.
While our minds remained looped inside the Möbius strip of Macaulay Culkin sporting a shirt of Ryan Gosling wearing a shirt with the picture of Macauley, the Home Alone/Party Monster/Good Son's Velvet Underground cover group, The Pizza Underground, called off their European tour—but not before exiting the stage at the Nottingham Fest in a hail storm of boos, and any alcoholic projectiles left at the audience's disposal. Is anyone really surprised that this did not end well?
Jack White doing Jack White things.
We don’t blame you if you’ve lost track of what the hell has been going on with Jack White in the past month. We certainly have. There was the Rolling Stone cover story that featured his response to allegations of misogyny…which didn’t go over very well. He called out Meg White being a hermit. He called out The Black Keys for stealing his sound…and then apologized for everything, essentially. If The Black Keys stole anyone’s sound, it’s the pre-British Invasion blues musicians like Muddy Waters, Junior Kimbrough, Robert Johnson, Lightning Hopkins, etc., etc…the list goes on. So in other words, the same people Jack White stole his sound from. There’s no doubt that The White Stripes’ popularity paved the way for the ‘Keys to experience similar mainstream success, but, I mean, c'mon.
A Michael Jackson hologram, because of course.
As we come to grips with the fact that our online avatars will be at the disposal of third parties, the recent appearance of a Michael Jackson hologram at the Billboard Music Awards confirms the post-life crystallization for all fallen iconoclasts. As seen before with posthumous resurrections of Tupac, Elvis, and other fallen legends. It is clear now that only the most well-funded legacies may enjoy recreated re-incarnations weirder than Great Moments with Mister Lincoln.
Jay-Z, Solange, blah.
The world may never know what actually happened inside an elevator at the Standard Hotel following the Met Ball, but we can always speculate. In case you somehow missed the coverage that appeared on every international news source, Solange Knowles attacked Jay-Z in an elevator while his wife, Beyonce, watched. Solange seems like an extremely intelligent and classy woman, one who would only resort to physical violence in extreme circumstances. What happens in the elevator, stays in the elevator.
Energy drinks and music clash in x-treme, epic lawsuit,
Monster Energy has disturbed the last will and testament of MCA, using Beastie Boys classics "Sabotage", "Make Some Noise", and "So What'cha Want" for purposes of advertising the "Ruckus in the Rockies" snowboarding competition. Suing the energy drink manufacturers for a cool $2 mil, the corporate offices of market strategy and licensing might want to consider what has worked and not worked for Red Bull. Also: Don't fuck the the Beastie Boys.