Does your favorite NFL team deflategate too?

Andy Livingston

Tom Brady perfect balls

Last week the hammer was dropped on the New England Patriots and Tom Brady for deflating balls in order to gain a competitive advantage (see: cheating) in the AFC Championship game. The NFL suspended the Golden Boy for four games, while docking the team two draft picks (including a No. 1 in 2016) and adding in a fine of $1 million dollars for good measure. A hefty punishment indeed, especially considering Patriots owner Robert Kraft is known to be BFFs with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.

While America overwhelmingly believes Brady and his ball-handlers at least bent the rules, one argument being made from Boston homesteads is that every team cheats, the Patriots just got caught because you’re a jealous hater of their success. Lending some credo to this notion is an enterprising new site, appropriately called your team cheats. The site charts all of the infractions that each NFL team has faced, ranging from the Denver Broncos with 49 instances of cheating, to the Jacksonville Jaguars—presumably because they’re one of the last expansion teams—with 12. While that information is interesting and valuable for giving context, I think they missed some obvious advantages teams have created for themselves.

Dallas Cowboys

Jerry Jones fills the visiting team’s locker room with money, forcing players to swim it in like Scrooge McDuck.

New York Giants

Eli’s face is advantage enough. It’s so distracting.

Philadelphia Eagles

The stadium is filled with Santa Clauses who throw batteries.

Washington

Opposing team hotel is located in Northern Virginia and the team has to drive the beltway during rush hour and HOW ARE ALL OF YOU BAD DRIVERS?!

Buffalo Bills

The excitement of a Saturday night in Zubaz lulls the opposition into a deep sleep and they wake up having missed Sunday entirely.

Miami Dolphins

Dan LeBatard’s Dad distracts them with his dancing.

papi

New York Jets

Like a masked wrestler, opponents have no idea who the Jets really are and become distracted with creating a game plan.

Arizona Cardinals

Isn’t getting people to travel to Glendale cheating enough?

San Francisco 49ers

Opponent’s Uber drivers lock them in the car and tell them about their great app idea while they cross the bridge over and over again.

Seattle Seahawks

Russell Wilson’s ex-wife hangs out making this face:

gf1_1

St. Louis Rams

Opponents have to spend time with St. Louis Cardinals fans and the smug-ness renders them unable to perform.

Denver Broncos

Peyton Manning’s secret weapon: Weed-laced Papa Johns.

Kansas City Chiefs

The Kansas City switcheroo: Players think they’re in Kansas, but wind up in Missouri or vice versa. What state does this team play in again?

Oakland Raiders

The BART.

San Diego Chargers

Visitors are distracted by the litany of Philip Rivers children, of whom there are many.

Chicago Bears

The Bears footballs are covered in honey, thus taking the cheating to meta-levels.

winnie

Detroit Lions

Their team ambassadors do most of the heavy lifting.

d12

Green Bay Packers

Teams arrive to discover that there is no Lambeau Field and there are no Green Bay Packers. The entire team is a collective hallucination of the state of Wisconsin.

Minnesota Vikings

Rogue bulls block the team from entering the locker room.

Baltimore Ravens

Ravens front office treats the visiting team to local crabcakes, however the crackers used in the mix are double the normal recipe and they turn off the water in the locker room.

Cincinnati Bengals

Poisoned Skyline Chili. Also known as Skyline Chili.

Cleveland Browns

The new jerseys. Why are they wearing orange when the team name is Brown?

Cleveland Browns jerseys

Pittsburgh Steelers

Terrible towels soaked in ether are thrown at opponents by fans.

Atlanta Falcons

Strip clubs.

Carolina Panthers

The Cam Newton yogurt pyramid scheme.

cam

New Orleans Saints

The all-you-can-eat beignet bar is a trap! Don’t do it!

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Visiting teams go for a bike ride, only to be arrested for not having their hands on the handlebars and forced to forfeit the game.

Houston Texans

See Atlanta.

Tennessee Titans

Silver Jews songs are pumped into the visiting locker room, making them very depressed.

Jacksonville Jaguars

A trail of Shahid Khan’s mustache wax covers every available surface, rendering offensive plans obsolete.

jacksonville-jaguars-owner-shahid-khan

Indianapolis Colts

Jim Irsay knows where the party is. You wanna come?

jim

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