*For legal reasons we must clarify this is not a recap of the hit television show The League. If you are looking for that, you should visit some other click-baiting website. Now onto our click-baiting…
With the start of another NFL season comes the return of the only fantasy men have that does not involve intercourse. Ironically, the fairer sex is also included in this fantasy and may be the only time the two are not mutually exclusive. That's right, we're talking fantasy football, and unlike those other fantasies, this one doesn't end with me crying… yet.
For the 2013 season, we at Impose decided to start our own League. One filled with writers, editors, marketing folk, and even a few ex-pats. Of course, if you know anything about our girth, you'll realize that isn't even close to filling up a full league, so we've also enlisted a few bands and even some legitimate sports writers. For other legal reasons (I think) we're not going to include them in our discussions except when facing current Impose employees. They'll all be considered our “Chuck” (which my lawyer told me to remind you is not a reference to anything specific). So without further ado, may we present to you the first week results of Get Off The Internet Man:
We'll kick things off with the only current inter-Impose game of Week 1. One that pits me, el Jefe, against regular contributor Peter Cavanaugh. I must point out that Pete is a fan of the Dallas Cowboys. I must also point out that Pete is relatively new to this fantasy, and therefore thought it would be a “cool” idea to try and fill his roster with all Cowboys. The upside to this decision was the play of the Dallas defense. The downside to this decision is that his starting running backs are Mark Ingram and DeAngelo Williams. Note to Pete: When choosing a fantasy team, steer clear of your real team. It leads to more double-disappointment than double-excitement. Because like that hometown band who gets popular enough to draw a crowd but five-years into their career are still not headlining, the results will ultimately be pretty depressing.
Our second matchup saw senior editor Blake Gillespie face off with one-time contributor Christopher Powell. Needless to say the grasshopper got the better of his Master Po this week. In fact, Blake's team more-resembled a grasshopper Powell just wiped off the bottom of his shoe. Blake was twerking it early on with Vernon Davis, but Chris' combo of A.J. Green and RGIII left him hanging like the meat-flaps off of Miley Cyrus' butt cheeks. With similar results: The most lopsided tilt of the week.
Editor No. 2 didn't fare much better, as Dayna Evans must be reeling after watching her QB Peyton Manning explode for seven touchdowns only to see the rest of her team fail in keeping pace with the sponsor-shilling frankenstein—and she had Reggie Bush too! To be fair, we sort of forced Dayna into participating, which is spelled out in her creative choice for a team name, but when two players account for over 75 points and you still lose, it's hard not to feel like that third Manning brother who is not rich or famous. Incidentally, she lost to our real “Chuck” (we have no idea who this guy is).
And in the final matchup to include a current Impose employee, the small-but-formidable Sang Nguyen went head-to-head with Shark?'s Kevin Diamond, who, we might add, drafted his team while soundchecking at Silent Barn on August 29. Maybe that's his excuse for picking a tight-end who didn't score a single point, even if he has the best team name in our entire league (actually, this was a matchup of our only two band-themed teams). This is worth noting because he lost to Sang in a late flurry of 18.70 points by her tight-end Owen Daniels during the last game of the week—an outcome necessitated by her own wide receiver also posting a goose egg. Still, our jack-of-all-trades asian correspondent must be enjoying this last-minute happy ending. What?