I’ve been asked to, on short notice, write the guest editorial for Impose. Unfortunately, I don’t really have time to write it, so I’ll have my secretary transcribe a story my four-year-old son made up. I hope it fulfills the 500-word requirement.
The Story of Mudman
There was a guy named Mudman and then this boy discovers him, but he's got mud all over himself and he went to mudman.com and checked if he had any strong advice so he knew. The boy didn’t know that Mudman is in jail and is also half mud, half robot. The boy discovers that Mudman doesn’t have a penis or eyeballs, but he doesn’t need eyeballs because he is trained to walk without them. The boy gets Mudman out of jail and hides him in the bushes. The boy knows that Mudman wouldn't hurt him even though he was half bad guy, half good guy. The only thing the boy didn’t know was that Mudman was half robot, half mud, but he wasn’t born like that. Mudman's got a shield so the manager can't stick him with his spear because on Sunday the manager brings his spears. The manager sticks Mudman, but it only feels like a pillow. So the manager knows that Mudman is hiding in a pillow, so he sticks his spear a little bit farther, but Mudman shoots his mud at the manager and the manager is dead. Mudman then disguises himself as a baby and then nobody knew Mudman was really Mudman. He became a bad guy forever because a witch put a spell on what she thought was a baby even though it was Mudman, but the spell didn’t work because the baby costume was too hard.
I was just handed this story by my secretary and read it. It’s good only in that “Kids Say The Darndest Things” type of way. Overall, disappointing, although I did like that the villain was called “The Manager.” Also, not 500 words. But I'm not going to hold my kid's feet to the fire for not making the word requirement. He’s only four and doesn't know how to use word count on Microsoft Word. I'll hold him responsible for the content and he'll be spoken to. I now wish I'd written this myself, but I'm really too busy with my book that I’m writing, From Monkey To Millionaire: How To Make A Million Dollars In A Million Years. It's a sure-fire moneymaking program that guarantees the reader to make a million dollars through patience, understanding and longevity. I’d like to add that it's my earnest belief that reparations be paid to all Iraqi civilians wrongfully killed by U.S. occupation. It's the least we can do for dreadfully destabilizing an entire region of the world. Either that or let's take their money and help rich people here at home. I would like to see more assholes going to the clubs in the meatpacking district near where I live. Thank you and bless your hearts.
Catch Jon Benjamin (Home Movies, Midnight Pajama Jam, Freak Show) as the voice of Satan in the upcoming animated series, “Lucy, the Daughter of the Devil” this fall on [adult swim].