Boys and girls, July was friggin' rough. It was such a goddamned bitch slap of low points that we barely noticed Danny Brown collaborating with ICP. We were caught up in a whirlwind of hands, reddening our cheeks with Spotify vs. Atoms For Peace vs. Festivals (dragged in like a patsy), racist athletes at Kenny Chesney hoedowns, crowd-sourcing major labels, and dick pics—so many goddamn dick pics! But each time bad news wafted into the offices, we got out the darts, paced off the regulation distance from the dartboard and took aim at this picture of Death Grips with Beyonce and Robert Pattinson.
This is Death Grips. The band with a punk ethos of art as infiltration, but when you look back on the damage it's just paparazzi shots with celebrities, room service tabs at the Chateau Marmont, and albums on major labels that expect the working class to fund vinyl production. We're a little confused on the difference between Death Grips and Robin Thicke.
It's moments like these when you ponder, “what would Ian Mackaye think?”, only to learn he can't keep up the fight either. Apparently, people love Minor Threat so much that when Ian Mackaye calls to request a cease & desist of bootleg Minor Threat shirts they yell at him. His own crazed fans won't help him preserve the sanctity of his art's message. If Ian Mackaye said ehhfuckit to $28 Minor Threat t-shirts in Urban Outfitters, then is it over?
Insane Clown Posse clownin’ with Danny Brown
When ODB hijacked the Grammy’s to declare “Wu-Tang is for the children,” we don’t think he understood the butterfly effect it would have on our future. Insane Clown Posse’s “When I’m Clownin'” is a few edits (like changing pussy to pizza) from being Kidz Bop-approved.
The more we think on it though, Yeezus help us if ICP teams up with Kidz Bop. Consider this: in 2012 Danny Brown told Nardwuar he doesn’t think he’s a Juggalo type of guy. That summer he performed at the Gathering of the Juggalos, golf-carting with Noisey and writing reports to Paper Mag with an altered perspective. There’s something very Jonestownsy in the Faygo. Better think twice before ironically going to the Gathering of the Juggalos or writing an anthropological piece on their oddball society.
Sufjan Stevens gets mad at, then retracts anger, regarding Savages’ typography
Okay, this is where things start to get confusing. We know that there are very few dissenters of the band Savages, for whatever weird, unfortunate reason, but when Sufjan Stevens, gentle light of benevolent being lashed out on Savages, we were finally rejoicing in a little disdain. But wait—what’s that you say? It was a reaction to the typography on their album cover? That can’t be right. Turns out it doesn’t take a lot to invite Mr. Stevens to Come on feel the Ill-annoyed. Taking issue with the leading and the italics of their album font seems petty and unnecessary compared to their bigger blunder of being a total joke band, but who are we to say?
Spotify calls in the patsy: festivals
Spotify knows how to debate. When your opposition attacks you, the best defense is to walk out to the podium, give the tug of the ear signal and call in the patsy. Nigel Godrich and Thom Yorke think Spotify is run by wankers out to screw musicians out of money, prefering to pay off shareholders. Spotify responded to their claims by citing a study which proved illegal downloads increase when an artist performs at a festival. The whole dialogue ended there, but probably due to Godrich and Yorke tossing up their arms and muttering out ‘fuckin’ wankers’.
If you translate Spotify’s argument into common sense terms, the streaming service thinks artists would prefer a $3.68 check from them once a month over five thousand in currency to perform at a festival to 500 hundred potential piracy criminals and a few hundred honest folks who’ll buy a t-shirt or LP.
Philadelphia Eagle’s Riley Cooper drops an n-bomb at a Kenny Chesney Concert
How can this happen in a post-“Accidental Racist” America of homogenized country music? Riley, just because you’re gassed up on being the new no. 2 wideout on the Eagles does not mean you can walk into the lockeroom this season, look at your black teammates and ask ‘we cool?’. Do you really think it’s water under the bridge for Michael Vick? Yeah, we’re in a post-Hank Williams Jr. on Monday Night Football society because of country music with dub-reggae riddims and LL Cool J excusing the confederate flag, but expect your actions to result in 16 weeks of passes over the middle of the field where linebackers await your arrival.
Jay-Z drops the hyphen, as if we care.
Jay-Z announced that he’s no longer going by Jay-Z. Instead, he will go by Jay Z. In a long string of obnoxious outspoken decisions by the dethroned rapper, this one is the least harmful but the most vile. From now on, in revolt, we’re going to refer to the man as Jay–Z, which is insulting for two reasons: the first being that it is a double-hyphen, the second that it does not turn into an em-dash. If you only knew what grammar lover and Chicago Manual of Style obsessor Shawn Carter would think if he saw two hyphens that didn’t morph into an em-dash. Take that.
Crowd-funding a behemoth record label, oh ok.
If we had just listened to the major labels in the first place, would we really be in this mess? Universal Music Group, the largest record company in the world and owner of a lot of music that shouldn’t belong to them, has announced that they’re going to be crowd-sourcing a vinyl resurgence project to put “rare” or “deleted” music to print again. This whole scenario is on some ex-boyfriend who realizes how good he had it years later shit. We won’t play. Thanks for asking, though.
What if Carlos Danger was Yeezus?
Since journos writing “what if black was white” think-pieces are super trendy, we’re asking the question “What if Anthony Weiner’s dick pics were Kanye West’s dick pics?” Kanye West rapped about sending dick pics on “Runaway”, Weiner is coming up with aliases for himself. Being that we don’t see color (that’s right, racial color blindness. Our world is tope) it’s getting really tough to tell the difference between these guys. Where does the Yeezus end and the Danger begin?
A toast: to the douchebags, assholes, and scumbags.
The Rolling Stone’s controversial cover
Jack Osbourne called it “glamorizing”. Matt Taibbi said, “naw, dogg.” Ian Crouch explained stuff like “reactionary Web response” and “self-censorship in tragedy”. (Read more here.) The Manning prosecution is licking its chops in Rolling Stone’s direction. Democracy is going down the shitter, we hear. But we look to our fearless leader of IMPOSE, Derek Evers and nod approvingly to his statement, “I don’t understand why everyone’s so upset they put the dude from the Strokes on the cover.”