Wake up from your tryptophan nightmare, bitches—November is over. While you'll be spending December on a chaise-lounge pleading to your therapist—Why did I kiss my cousin on Thanksgiving Eve, why?—let us guide you through some of the rough lows of fall's harvest. This is our cornucopia of malaise, our thoroughfare for the shitstream of November, this is our Sparta. Inspired by the heroically unimpeachable Rob Ford, this month might come off the rails a little as we try to bite into the penultimate month's chicken wing, looking for a bone. Or maybe we're just looking for a seat. Yours, that is.
Outkast reunion rumors
So the storyline so far is Coachella is leaking news of a Big Boi and Andre3000 reunion, most likely because if a month goes by without millenials talking about Coachella was it even a month? Now we're in that wonderful stage of reporting in which everything Outkast does together is deemed "reunion news".
See this photo on Big Boi's Instagram? OMG They love each other. This is happening.
Tune in all December for photos of Three Stacks and Daddy Fat Sacks laughing all the way to the bank.
Mastodon's "racist" Thanksgiving shirt
Call them sexists. Call them exploitative capitalists. Call them metal doofuses. But don't play the race card on a t-shirt that exposes the atrocities of the Pilgrims. Mastodon has a message and that message is yours for a limited time offer of $22.
Morrissey & Turkeys vs. Obama
Morrissey pens new
album memoir open letter, entitled Thankskilling, directed at President Obama's pardoning of one turkey while 42 million are brutally massacred.
We didn't know Morrissey was a U.S. citizen, therefore validating his opinion on hokey U.S. traditions often used to make light of deeper issues. Morrissey doesn't care about anything but animals and that's bordering on a fetish that starts with a capital B. If Morrissey had read the Turkey Pardoning Wikipedia page, he'd know Reagan used the charade as a joke to deflect Oliver North inquries. It's fairly obvious Obama pardoned a turkey, walked into the Oval Office and approved drone strikes, wire taps, and more torture in Guantanamo Bay. Smart'en up, Morz.
"Bound 2 / Bound 3"
And the world stopped holding its breath and hundreds of Kanye-behavior think pieces came to a screeching halt when Kim Kardashian tweeted, "He laughed so hard at this" to Seth Rogan. Had Guiness not had its head up its ass it could have recorded unprecedented emissions levels and the loudest worldwide whoosh.
Surprisingly Jimmy Kimmel did not tweet: -_-
Jay-Z doesn't care about black people
Nothing says Barneys NYC like brass knuckles, black hoodies, ski-masks, and night club bouncers who only let in white girls.
Jay-Z didn't back down on criticisms of his Barneys collection that stem from said store racially profiling shoppers like it's TSA. If Jay-Z ain't backing down, then neither are we regarding the preferred spelling of his name. The hyphen will remain as a show of solidarity that Jay-Z must not forget where he came from; Marcy not Madison Ave.
Vampire Weekend gets political
Vampire Weekend's Ezra Koenig is like Morrissey for youths. He sussed out this whole anti-selfie business like a regular Gandhi, like if Gandhi were super duper regular and drank Slurpees and didn't give a shit about anyone but himself b/c yolo.
"I think that anybody who's anti-selfie is really just a hater… There's all this bullshit about 'the younger kids today are more self-absorbed.' It's like, give me a fucking break! I've been in nursing homes, where my grandma is. I've seen some of the most selfish people on the planet in there… And the world that these kids are born into literally could not get more selfish."
Man, it's like he said it all and gave us a great reason hate our grandparents who've outlived their worth.
The Arcade Fire thinks we're crazy.
The Arcade Fire addressed the criticism of a "dress code" for ticket holders for their current tour, and wow. Just wow. This is a moment for us, a moment not unlike when your boyfriend has had enough of your tirade and dismisses you as "being crazy". Of course, he doesn't say "you're being crazy". He says, "please relax." Oh, we'll relax Arcade Fire. We're chill. Cool as can be.
(Begins plans to key The Arcade Fire tour bus with the phrase "who's crazy now?")
#Yeezus crashlanded in New York to the disappointment of one former fan
While the internet was in a flurry with references to the Yeezus tour and its supposed brilliant magnitude, we at Impose refused to drink the Kool-Aid when Kanye touched down for a week-long stay in New York. We had one of our correspondents test out the tour at Barclays Center, and though illicit drug use was the name of the game, disappointment still pervaded. What is it with people being enthusiastically excited about things that don't really challenge us?
HAIM + Lorde cover "Strong Enough", sounds like low-budget elevator music plus Phil Collins
Is Sheryl Crow dead? (Googles "is sheryl crow dead") Okay, no, Sheryl Crow is not dead, but if she were, she'd be rolling in her grave at the sound of this VH1-sponsored Lorde and HAIM "Strong Enough" cover that the collective internet went batty over this month. There are a thousand other songs more fitting for this matchup of pop-dominant women, all with the word "Strong" in the title. I wouldn't even mind if they covered that New Jersey promotional song that Chris Christie was shilling. You know the one. "Stronger Than The Storm". (Starts singing "Stronger than the storm, ooo eee ooo") Hey, December, let's flip the script on this one—can we get MTV to hire Sheryl Crow to do a cover of "Stronger Than the Storm" with, oh, I don't know, Charli XCX? Hare-brained, you say? Never.
Trains are back in style
Trains, who knew?! Down the runways of Paris and in the chic boutiques of London, the new style is all this talk about trains. You guys ever ride a train? We know some musicians who have. We also hear that shouting at trains is popular. Thom Yorke's been doing it for a while, much to the dismay of Moby. You guys remember Moby? Me either. Yorke claims that Spotify is not a train, nor is he yelling, but that he is a Luddite, which is weird because don't Luddites typically reject all technological developments, thus making all of Kid A and onward complete fallacies? What say you to that, train-yeller?