October's Most Average Moments

Impose Automaton

Some goon

Let's just get it out of the way—October was one flaming jack-o-lantern of fury that wouldn't end. Mercury is in retrograde, the Red Sox won some big contest unrelated to virility, Allen Iverson retired, a legend left us, and “goon rapper” Drake dressed up like a 2006 joke in favor of the worst part of October—shudder—Halloween. Despite spending years trying to will Halloween into non-existence, the slutty pencil sharpeners keep on coming, and we're left to wonder, is nothing sacred? Thankfully, we'll be moving on to greener and turkier pastures in the month of November (on the record the best month of the year), and this will soon all be behind us. Until then, follow us into the darkness that was October—just try to keep your wits about you.

Best Coast is the Cheeseburglar?

Bethany Cosentino thinks it's badass that you paid money to come see her play. She runs the show, and you need to know that if you're going to throw cheeseburgers at her, they better only be grade-A American beef like the ones she's used to eating on the set of filming Target and Mountain Dew commercials.

Arcade Fire vs. the gimp.

We really wanted to be fans of the Reflektors, we even tried listening to the album. Yet, despite this painstaking effort, they still kicked us out of their "secret" Brooklyn performance for showing up in a gimp outfit. We tried explaining it was full grain leather, the finest money can buy, but they still didn't deem it "formal attire."

Britney Spears's music used to scare away Somali pirates.

Wait, I think we put this in the wrong category, because this is fucking amazing. [Ed. note: Britney Spears I love you. No matter what my friends say, it is not crazy that I have a wig made out of the hair you shaved off during the "incident" that I wear every anniversary of the day you and K-Fed divorced.]

Kanye and Kim are betrothed, cool.

The requiem-like fog from the SF Giants' 2013 season still hanging over AT&T Park at least got some October company with Kim Kardashian's combination birthday and Kanye's big proposal. Because what else says and spells matrimony more than an all-caps jumbotron message of “PLEEEASE MARRY MEEE!!!” and Lana Del Rey's “Young and Beautiful” being played by a massive orchestra in a rented out ballpark?

Sky Ferreira shows us that it is "her time," also "night time."

You've surely seen the album cover already—it's Sky Ferreira in a shower with her goodies on display. Since the hipster-game Lana Del Rey has somehow tricked us all into thinking she's a real artiste, and since turning 21 lets her reach peak rebel fleur, it would appear that night time is her time. (Whatever that means?) Night time is also their time, "their" being creepy adult males on Reddit. Connect the dots.

Every person with an internet connection tries to out-eulogize Elliott Smith and Lou Reed.

Two world-famous and beloved troubadours died during this penultimate October week, only ten years apart. Though a simple "Rest in peace" would have been tribute enough for Elliott Smith and Lou Reed, the internet took it upon their collective selves to prove that NO, WE LOVED HIM MORE, and it turned into a batshit pissing contest whose culminating result was DIIV and Sky Ferreira covering "A Distorted Reality Is Now A Necessity to Be Free". Remember, internet, you did this. We only wish someone had really gotten down to writing that Lou Bega obit. Now that's something we would have read.

Black Flag takes a hint from Banksy, makes shitty art.

OHHHHH, BURNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.

No but really, what the…?

Band covers song.

Want your new band to get all the hype you've dreamed of but you don't really have the chops to write songs? Don't worry, we've got the perfect solution. Just cover a well-known song by another well-known, better artist, and you'll get the attention you've been needing. Just be careful—when people ask you what about your music, sidestep until eternity. Keep sidestepping. Never write songs. Oh and this is what you've done to us.

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