While you've been out drinking beers and catching tunes in the warm Austin rays, some of us are firmly planted in the cold Northeast, glued to the Internet, and catching up on all the music news that is sort of fit to print. And if I didn't have such unmatched feelings of affection toward the world wide web, I'd be jealous. Lucky for you, though, while you've been away, the world kept spinning, and people kept making stupid decisions while others shook their heads, and in order to make your blissful SxSW experience that much more convenient, I've rounded up the most essential highlights here. Let's begin.
- The Tupac biopic, which was announced in 2010, is still struggling to get made. According to the man at the helm of the whole project, Antoine Fuqua, the only problem in their way now is that there is no script. (Isn't that a huge problem?) I have a few ideas on who they could ask, namely the hologram of Tupac since he'd probably be a fucking expert on Tupac, or one of the hundreds of post-grads sitting around writing screenplays to the next seventy Veronica Mars movies. Don't even get me started on that noise.
- Do you read young adult fiction? If you're reading this right now, then probably. It seems that the daughters of esteemed gangsters Lil Wayne and Birdman have decided to team up to write a young adult novel about—you guessed it—children with famous parents. It's called Paparazzi Princesses and I hear if you read it backward and upsidedown, you can find Wayne's secret recipe for purple lean.
- This just in: purple lean is just codeine cough syrup.
- Speaking of Lil Wayne, he released the first song, “Rich As F**k,” from his not-really-anticipated new record, I Am Not a Human Being II, which features 2 Chainz. As I described it to a friend, Wayne sounds confident again, maybe laying off the lean. But it's still mostly boring.
- In music news that is in no way possibly connected to the hip hop world, Andrea Estella from Brooklyn band Twin Sister has undergone a wild “fashion” transformation that she is proudly showcasing on blonde woman website, Refinery 29. Unless she's auditioning to be Gwen Stefani's pet harajuku girl, I'm not sure what's going on here. You be the judge.
- Everyone jizzed their pants over Justin Timberlake's new record; not enough people raised speculation over his newly straight hair; the remixes began to flood in. Meanwhile, Marnie Stern is set to put out the best record of the year (I'm editorializing here) and no one says a word. Except her, who apparently spent all of her first set at SxSW talking about her vagina.
- Bono did a TED talk on eliminating poverty, discovering the fountain of youth, getting all the moneys, curing AIDS, etc., but no one watched because it was Bono doing a TED talk.
- And lastly, in “this guy is a n00b” news, Daniel David Spence of the Fall Out Boy cover band, Spence, has started beef with a noted Phoenix music journalist by harassing and spamming her Facebook account, causing her to blacklist his band from lots and lots of important venues. The lesson he learned? Just give up.