Yoga is Killing Your Soul

Chris Robbins

Right next to my copy of Infinite Jest on my coffee table, via

I knew there was something unwholesome about yoga. Lycra. Stretching in odd poses, summoning your every fiber to resist the farts that desperately want to escape your body. Perhaps this is merely the view of someone who failed the Presidential Fitness exam because of poor V-Sit & Reach performance 6 years in a row (I can feel my hamstrings weep with shame now), but if you're like me, yoga just isn't for you.

That's why there's PraiseMoves, “the Christian alternative to yoga!” If you're uncomfortable with yoga's Hindu cover for the Muslin religion that undoubtably seeps in through your skin, especially if you share mats, then try a fitness routine that doesn't ensure eternal damnation for you and your loved ones.

Created by a self-described “New York City girl,” PraiseMoves arose out of a question of conscience:

The well-dressed yoga practitioner can wear her loose-fitting yoga togs, carry her yoga mat in her matching yoga tote and dress her daughter in Sesame Street yoga pants (featuring Elmo!). Since yoga is everywhere, it must be okay. Or is it?

Or is it?” indeed. Elmo, how could you?

Both chanting and the customary relaxation period at the end of a yoga session also have an agenda that may surprise the weekend yogi. Before becoming a Christian, I remember numerous instances of “traveling outside my body” during yoga relaxation periods. I wonder who – or what – checked in when I checked out? Whether you believe such phenomena can happen or not, some medical professionals claim such experiences have led to psychosis.

Yes! Who “checked in?” Probably some terrorist who wants to explore your lady parts and hang out, maybe knock back a beer or two, spill chips all over your sacred temple! Maybe he'll raid your carnal mini bar! Or order some expensive pornography on your TV! Who gets the bill? YOUR SOUL. Some of you may enjoy this, but it's all a ruse.

“While mind-numbing tranquility may feel good for a time, it’s a poor substitute for the “peace which surpasses all understanding” (Philippians 4:7) and “the joy of the Lord (which) is your strength” (Nehemiah 8:10).”

Obviously, yoga feels good because it's slowly killing you. Like drugs, or Cakesters.

Now that we're FINALLY informed, who wants to join me for some PraiseMoves this weekend? I'm sure there are plenty of studios in the NYC area, let me know your favorites!

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