2013, a year in review

Greg Behrens

paula deen miley cyrus rob ford and house of cards

Another year has gone by in a flash. It’s hard to say just how many days there were this year, but it seemed like a lot. Whenever a year passes, we have an oft-missed opportunity to reflect on the events, both good and bad, that made the biggest impact on our lives. There are plenty of cliché quotes that talk about reflecting on the past, and they place the practice in a pretty negative light. I, for one, think it’s fine to dwell on the past, because tomorrow will be today by the time you’re done thinking about yesterday, and that’s where you want to be anyway. If you didn’t take the time to look back, you would go on forever thinking that last sentence was profound, but on second glance, it’s a big pile of nonsense. So let’s take a minute to reminisce about some of the big winners from 2013 that have made a serious impact on our futures, lest we not forget.

House of Cards: Netflix’s first original series was a breakthrough. David Fincher’s prediction that Americans would “mainline television if given the opportunity,” turned out to be true indeed. Millions of people ingested an entire season of the mega popular, internet-streaming-only drama in just a day or two, while striking a first blow in the war against advertisement-whoring network television. Check it out, I think it’s about magicians or something, I’m not sure, I don’t have time to watch that much television, I have a life.

Miley Cyrus: The artist formerly known as Hannah Montana had a big year. The teen idol is becoming a woman and she’s got a very inspirational message for little girls everywhere: you don’t have to be sexy to become a famous singer. So get yourself a little boy’s haircut, shake your plucked chicken looking asses, and grind all over older dudes dressed like Beetleguese in front on millions of children, that’s really all it takes to make it as a “singer.” And remember, you don’t have to be attractive.

Rob Ford: Toronto Mayor Rob Ford disproved a long standing theory this year that marijuana is not, in fact, “the gateway drug.” I can think of thousands of people who have used marijuana recreationally and never even given a second thought to trying crack cocaine. But right off the top of my head I can think of at least two people who became mayors and then started smoking crack, and I can only think of a handful of mayors. Just say no to running for mayor.

The South: Paula Deen, the undisputed queen of southern hospitality made a bold move this year by forfeiting all of her endorsements just to prove the point that as far as we have progressed as a people, old southern white folks will still always be racist no matter how many African Americans they employ or cookies they make. See also: Commander Phil Robertson.

The Florida Judicial System: In a very forward-thinking move, the law makers of the Sunshine State began testing a new crime-prevention method allowing people to get away with murder the first time they commit it. As long as you don’t attempt it a second time. Test-subject George Zimmerman was quoted as saying, “I wish I wouldn’t have used up my murder on a stranger, I was left with nothing but various assault crimes to use on my wife and girlfriends, but hey, at least I’m still free right?” Good on you Florida.

The Healthcare Obama Insurance Fun Time Whatchamacalit: Everyone is abuzz about the “socialization” of healthcare in the United States. Whether you are for it, or against it, one thing is perfectly clear, you’re an idiot. All you have to do is only go to a doctor when it’s an absolute emergency. They'll have to take care of you, and then you just stiff 'em on the bill. It’s the American way. That’s my universal healthcare.

What a year you’ve been 2013. So many memories. I can’t wait to see what next year has in store for us. Based on all of the positive advancements we’ve made this year as a people, it’s harder to imagine that 2014 will be anything less than incredible. See ya in Florida!

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