Countdown to extinction

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A great man probably once said, “Each day alive is just another closer to death.” I’m not entirely sure if that’s true, and I don’t have the time to actually look it up or do any significant kind of research for that matter, because life is short. We have a finite time to roam around our little space in the universe. In the grand scheme of things, it’s barely more than an instant. So you better make the most of it, and what better way to whittle away your precious remaining hours than reflecting on how you misused them in the past?

Getting older is a bitch ain’t it? One day you’re building a tree fort in the back yard, and pretending that you’re a fireman, or a doctor, or an astronaut. Then, BAM! Next thing you know you’re 25 years older, unable to sleep on your gently used mattress that you found by the curb outside the YMCA. Just laying there, wondering why you never became a fireman, or a doctor, or an astronaut, and how the hell you got to be one missed mortgage payment away from living in a tree fort. It’s all because of time poorly spent. You know the old adage, “If I knew then, what I know now…something, something.” Well I know now, so I’m telling you then, which is your now, what you’re gonna need to do for then, which will be your now, later. Don’t waste too much time trying to decipher that, the clock is ticking, just trust me, it makes perfect sense. I’m trying to give you advice here.

Regreeeets, I’ve had a few.” We all make mistakes in life that we wish we could go back and change, and I thought I’d share a couple of mine in the hopes that it might prevent at least one poor soul from taking the hard road through life that I have chosen. My biggest regret, hands down, would be my education. I went to college for six agonizing months, and still to this day I have no idea why. It was the biggest waste of time ever. The only thing I learned in college was how to score pot on an Indian reservation, and technically I didn’t actually learn it there, it was just at that time and near there. Not to mention the money. My parents are never gonna get that back, and that’s really something you need to think about. College is just a way to con money out of unsuspecting families by convincing them they’re gonna somehow come out better on the other side. Well you know what? I make just as much money right now as someone who graduated from college did back then, plus they expect me to do twice as much work; Who’s the responsible one now? Don’t be fooled. Drop out.

Coming in at an amazingly close second in the regrets category behind dumb-ass college, has got to be my experience with drugs. I sincerely wish I would’ve done a lot more. People tell me all the time how much fun they used to have with me, getting high and whatnot, but I just can’t ever recall those times. I can only assume it’s because there weren’t enough of those times. If only I would’ve done more, then perhaps the memories of all of those really fun times wouldn’t have faded away amongst all the fun memories I have with my friends of melting into chairs, or staring at ceiling fans for countless hours, and sitting in smoke filled diners drinking coffee at 3am trying to think of something to do. Don’t miss out on all those great memories. If someone offers you drugs, don’t pass them up, you might be missing out on a memory that will last a lifetime.

My only other regret is that I don’t have any other advice to offer for those still in their wonderful developmental years. Life turned out pretty good for me despite these minor flaws in my past, and now I’m just trying to help people get ahead. Higher education, not getting high that much, and having little else to say might seem like a road to success, but you can all strive for so much more. Now get out there and get some drugs. It’s a school day.