Thank you for being a friend

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golden girls

In the 1980s, perhaps the greatest decade in television history, there were a lot of profound, thought-provoking, and heart-wrenching programs to be sure. Small Wonder was the short-lived story of a scientist who creates a robotic sex slave that he tries to pass off to friends and neighbors as his 10-year old daughter—hilarious. Webster was a gritty tale of a childless ex-football player who tries to overcompensate for his inability to produce children of his own by adopting an orphan with severe birth defects—sexy. But no one show touched the lives of so many as did The Golden Girls.

This beloved tale of four promiscuous geriatric lesbians living together in Miami was as provocative as it was nauseating. As shocking as it was to see these old ladies sharing in a four-way pie-eating session at the end of most episodes of this precursor to HBO’s Girls, the most memorable part of the program has got to be that classic theme. “Thank you for being a friend” is just one of those memorable moments in the history of Television, or even just the history of sound in general, actually, that completely puts things in perspective. A catchy jingle that reminds us what’s important in life, and there’s no better time to be thinking about all that which we have than right now. 'Tis the season, right?

That’s right—in just a little over a week, we will all be giving “thanks,” and not just for being a friend, oh no, but also for more important things, like actual stuff that matters. Real physical stuff, tangible items that mean something, and that you can have and hold until you get bored with them. You got it, people, it’s Black Friday time! Start giving thanks for all those badass deals 'cause once they’re gone, they’re gone! These are just a few of the items that I’ll be thankful for this holiday shopping season:

  1. Next Gen video game consoles! The PS4 and XBOXone hit shelves this holiday season, and color me excited. What better way to wile away those hours with close friends and family than with the immersive, mindnumbing experience of killing them on beautifully rendered battlefields, and then taunting over wireless bluetooth devices? It’ll be just like the handful of phonecalls you are forced to have with them throughout the rest of the year, but with the ability to actualize the violence you wish to inflict upon them.
  2. Prepaid Visa gift cards! Nothing says, “I know absolutely nothing about you, and I put no thought whatsoever into your gift” than a gift card. And not just any gift card that actually narrows your choice down to a specific retailer or restaurant that the giver at least thought you might enjoy—no—this is a card that you can use anywhere, for anything, including the purchase of other gift cards that don’t immediately take a 10% cut of the money just for “activating” it.
  3. Gigantic TVs! Who cares if your vision is fading from countless years of sitting too close to the television because you can just get a bigger TV! Pick up a one of these mammoths and watch Bea Arthur’s liver spots go from blurry and nondescript to gargantuan and glorious! Plus, it’s still cheaper than Lasik.
  4. Big Hugs Elmo! A lot of folks will say that food, clothes, shelter, and the promise of a better future are the best gifts you can give a child, but they are wrong. A big red muppet that loves to hug will fill the void you have left in your child’s soul from all the time you’ve spent lusting over material gains and help quench the thirst for affection they so desperately need from the years of succumbing to your absentee parenting. Plus, he doesn’t talk or yell . . . he listens.
  5. The shopping experience itself! Don’t forget when you are out there basking in joy of the commercialism of holidays, to take a moment to really be grateful for the long lines, the overinflated prices, and shoddy worksmanship that make the season a real joy.

There certainly is a lot to be thankful for this holiday season! And remember, “If you threw a party, and invited everyone you knew, you would see the biggest gift would be from me, and the card attached would say thank you for being a friend.” Because decent people rate the importance of our friendships by how big and expensive the gifts we get are.