The New England Patriots should be basking in the glow of winning the Super Bowl, but here they are, defending a 100 seconds of bathroom time that “probably” resulted in deflating footballs below their legally obliged size in order to gain an unfair advantage. If you’re curious what that all means, it’s all here in the 243-page barn-burner that is the Wells Report. The football equivalent of Watergate, here’s the especially shady event that took place, leading up to the now-fated AFC Championship Game:
Page 8: “After leaving the Officials Locker Room carrying two large bags of game balls (Patriots balls and Colts balls), McNally turned left and then turned left again to walk down a corridor referred to by Patriots personnel as the “center tunnel” heading to the playing field. At the end of the center tunnel on the left-hand side, approximately three feet from the doors that lead to the playing field, is a bathroom. McNally entered that bathroom with the game balls, locked the door, and remained in the bathroom with the game balls for approximately one-minute and forty seconds. He then left the bathroom and took the bags of game balls to the field.”
Is the one-minute and forty seconds the missing 18-minutes from the Nixon Watergate tapes? What could have happened in that locked bathroom after the weight of the footballs had just been approved for play? We’ve got a few ideas.
Jim McNally was just playing Candy Crush before the big game, no biggie.
The footballs were just fine, they were being guarded by this guy in the bathroom
A mysterious man in Uggs approached him and offered him a deal he couldn’t resist
Aaron Hernandez. That’s it, that’s the joke.
The bathroom turned out to be Gronk’s time travel machine and although the balls briefly left our timeline and returned, the time travel took a little bit of pressure out of the balls.