Hello, we play in a band called Two Inch Astronaut. We are releasing an album called Foulbrood on November 25, and we also strongly dislike many songs. Here are some of our least favorite songs and some of the stories behind our loathing. Bear in mind that we love most songs.
Dispatch, “The General”
In high school, much to my chagrin, my parents made me join the swim team which practiced before school. It wasn’t much fun, but neither having to parade around in “jammers” nor the enduring itch of the chlorine that I inexplicably refused to wash out of my hair could compare to having to hear this song all the time. After practice, the seniors would gather around a now antiquated iPod dock thing and sing or rap or whatever-the-fuck along to “The General”.
I generally dislike when lyricists are too verbose, but this guy (not about to look up his stupid name) takes it to another level. I can just see him choking these overstuffed bars out of his shark-tooth-necklace-constricted throat around a bonfire somewhere. Nice enjambment, asshole. This is of course complimented by the whitest of all white boy funk rhythm sections and the soulless “yeahhhhhh’s” and “ohhhhhhh’s” peppered into the breaks. Listening back now, what is most striking is how buzzy that acoustic guitar is. Objectively very bad sounding, why didn’t anybody catch that? Probably sand between the frets. – Sam
Sublime, “Caress Me Down”
Any song outside of “Splash Waterfalls” that revolves around a sex noise is disqualified. Not to speak ill of the dead here and Sublime maybe sort of had their moments, but this is some seriously loathsome shit. The guitar tone sounds like a wallet chain being dragged through a sewer of straight up muck and it appears to be about someone named Bradley pimping out his daughter who is named Mixie? – Sam
The Black Eyed Peas, “I Gotta Feeling”
I hold an uncharacteristically strong (and admittedly biased) hatred for “I Gotta Feeling” that dates back to the fall of ’09, my first semester in college. During this first (and last) semester at a certain Long Island school that educates Miss Americas and Ponzi schemers, I witnessed this song reach anthemic status. As Thursday classes started to let out (Thirsty Thursday), students all across campus started to get a feeling. If you listened closely you could hear those opening chords begin hammering away at your skull; you could feel the synth string section slowly rip at your lower intestine; you could almost smell the AXE body spray in the wind and see the single tear stream from a proud bro’s eye. And most students that “gotta feeling” were correct in their premonition—assuming a good night for them was getting wasted and grinding to The Black Eyed Peas at an underage bar only to wake up the next morning and curse their parents for paying the 40 grand a year. Besides being a terrible excuse for music, this song represents for me all the worst aspects of college, and all the people I hope I never have to see again. – Matt
Train, “Marry Me”
Fun fact: Two Inch Astronaut played a wedding once. We won’t say how much we got paid but we will say that it was more than Two Inch Astronaut has ever been paid for anything. Sam accompanied the bride’s niece on acoustic guitar at the altar for a sniveling rendition of “Marry Me”, which is song that takes place in a café and contains the phrase “You wear white and I’ll wear out the words I love you.” The song would be a fairly harmless “Landslide” ripoff were it not for the absurdly bloated romantic sentiments. I mean, the song is about getting married EVERY DAY. Two Inch Astronaut will never marry. Fun fact: we would gladly play “Marry Me” again if we got paid a similar amount. – All
Rise Against, “I Don’t Wanna Be Here Anymore”
…Then leave. – Andy