Billboard Music Awards recap

Derek Evers

Billboard Music Awards Nominees

Where have I seen these faces before? Oh yeah, every fucking awards show.

The Billboard Music Awards were held last night, and my sources tell me Justin Bieber and Eminem “ruled” it. I thought it was another episode of Dancing with the Stars, until I saw the Black Eyed Peas; who for some reason are still alive. That said, my sources also inform me it was apparently a big deal, so I've decided to write a recap that will give you all of the inside dirt you need to know for your next watercooler break.

Blah, blah, blah, Eminem. Blah, blah, blah, Lady Gaga, blah, blah, Rihanna.

Lorem ipsum Justin Bieber, consectetur adipiscing Taylor Swift. Taio Cruz praesent faucibus metus quis enim Lady Antibelum. Curabitur sit amet sem Beyonce, quis lobortis elit. The Black Eyed Peas pretium vulputate blandit. Katy Perry, Cee Lo Green, and Usher consectetur, Bruno Mars, Mumford & Sons nec placerat gravida, sapien risus laoreet dui, Enrique Iglesias, Shakira, nec pharetra erat Latin at magna. Even U2 was given something.

TRAIN? BEST ROCK BAND? What. The. Fuck? Is this a joke? They wrote one God-damned song that is on every fucking commercial. Name one other song besides “Soul Sister” (which I figured out by Googling, “train song that is in every commercial”–first search result, no lie. Thanks Stereogum.). Just one. Can't do it, can you? If I had a nickle for everytime I heard someone say, 'If I had a shotgun for everytime I heard this song, I would shoot my TV and then myself,' I would be a rich man.

Oh look, Neil Diamond was given the Billboard Icon Award. That's nice, he deserves it.

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