TEST: The Pitchfork Fest Deathmatch

Dayna Evans

Pitchfork Festival

With the annual Pitchfork Festival right around the corner—in one full day, to be precise—the important questions have all been asked, the tickets have been purchased, the sunscreen has been pre-applied, and the deep-dish pizzas have been shunned in a stand against any non-New York style pies. Sorry. The one question that still remains, and has been left unaddressed by Pitchfork, its subsidiaries, and other attendant music blogs, is who of the performing acts would win in a fight? We know you’ve been thinking it—and when the heat index is upward of 100-degrees and the sandy patches of land begin to itch at out-of-town artists’ feetsies, there will be aggression in the air. Based on a completely arbitrary system that I just made up, we present you with:

The Pitchfork Fest Deathmatch

Band Names In A Different Language: THREE-WAY FIGHT

Autre Ne Veut vs. Yo La Tengo vs. Toro Y Moi

Autre Ne Veut had a strong lead in this battle when they released a track recently called “On and On”—the song title only seemed to point to the foreign-language band name trend and how it will continue on and on. (You know? Yeah, you know.) Yo La Tengo, the longest-standing testament to using a non-native language to name an English-speaking band, could win this one by seniority alone, but it’s safe to say that Yo La Tengo would do very little damage in an actual fight. “Let’s all just listen to some records instead!” they’d say. The prize will inevitably go to Toro Y Moi for reasons two: the first being that Toro Y Moi has the audacity to use not one but two languages in his band name, but also that Chaz Bundick wears the dopest glasses and you simply cannot punch a man with glasses.

WINNER: Toro Y Moi; wears glasses, doubled-up on foreign languages.

Winner

Toro Y Moi; wears glasses, doubled-up on foreign languages.

Two-Word Band Names

Glass Candy vs. White Lung

Okay, imagine this. You’re on a seaside holiday with your chums, and you pop into an Antique Shoppe to buy your old mum a gift, a small token of your affection for her eternal love. You see a bowl full of glass candy, all painted in pink-and-sherbet flourishes. “How nice!” you think. You buy them for her, return from your holiday, and she is so delighted to receive such a stunning gift that she accidentally ingests them, then dies right in front of you from glass poisoning (glass poisoning?).

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