The Pitchfork Fest Deathmatch

Dayna Evans

Pitchfork Festival

With the annual Pitchfork Festival right around the corner—in one full day, to be precise—the important questions have all been asked, the tickets have been purchased, the sunscreen has been pre-applied, and the deep-dish pizzas have been shunned in a stand against any non-New York style pies. Sorry. The one question that still remains, and has been left unaddressed by Pitchfork, its subsidiaries, and other attendant music blogs, is who of the performing acts would win in a fight? We know you’ve been thinking it—and when the heat index is upward of 100-degrees and the sandy patches of land begin to itch at out-of-town artists’ feetsies, there will be aggression in the air. Based on a completely arbitrary system that I just made up, we present you with:</p>

The Pitchfork Fest Deathmatch

Two-Word Band Names

Glass Candy vs. White Lung

Okay, imagine this. You’re on a seaside holiday with your chums, and you pop into an Antique Shoppe to buy your old mum a gift, a small token of your affection for her eternal love. You see a bowl full of glass candy, all painted in pink-and-sherbet flourishes. “How nice!” you think. You buy them for her, return from your holiday, and she is so delighted to receive such a stunning gift that she accidentally ingests them, then dies right in front of you from glass poisoning (glass poisoning?).

Winner

White Lung; it’s a cleaner, safer way of living, especially if you’ve transitioned to smoking e-cigs.

Band Names In A Different Language: THREE-WAY FIGHT

Autre Ne Veut vs. Yo La Tengo vs. Toro Y Moi

Autre Ne Veut had a strong lead in this battle when they released a track recently called “On and On”—the song title only seemed to point to the foreign-language band name trend and how it will continue on and on. (You know? Yeah, you know.) Yo La Tengo, the longest-standing testament to using a non-native language to name an English-speaking band, could win this one by seniority alone, but it’s safe to say that Yo La Tengo would do very little damage in an actual fight. “Let’s all just listen to some records instead!” they’d say. The prize will inevitably go to Toro Y Moi for reasons two: the first being that Toro Y Moi has the audacity to use not one but two languages in his band name, but also that Chaz Bundick wears the dopest glasses and you simply cannot punch a man with glasses.

Winner

Toro Y Moi; wears glasses, doubled-up on foreign languages.

Places We’d Like to Go

Waxahatchee vs. Chairlift

As was evidenced in Waxahatchee’s charming video for “Coast to Coast”, the creek from which the project takes its name is a damn pleasant sight and in a time when the heat is so hot, there would be no hesitation in jumping into that creek right damn now. A chairlift is a different thing—where is this chairlift going? Is it above a ski slope? Is it similar to the Angels Flight funicular in Los Angeles? Are we likely to be suspended for a long time without a choice of coming down? Let’s stick with a watery substance on this one—seems safer, less precarious.

Winner

Waxahatchee; it’s too hot for death-from-above right now.

Friendly Fire

El-P vs. Killer Mike

Though the pair just released the phenomenal Run The Jewels album together, and from its conspiratorial air, we can tell their friendship is strong, but it might be a good laugh to see who wins out on the El-P vs. Killer Mike standoff. El-P has the added bonus of having a scrappy, long-standing career under his belt, but Killer Mike, who often refers to himself as “fat bastard” might know a thing or two about taking on a lightweight. In the end, we think that it’d be too painful for us to watch these two in a rumble. Don’t break up the boys! So it’s a draw.

Winner

Draw; let’s all go get some pancakes.

Bands You Might Find At the Bodega: FOUR-WAY FIGHT

Blood Orange vs. Merchandise vs. Pissed Jeans vs. Evian Christ

If you found an imported Italian blood orange in a bodega, I advise that you do not eat it. Merchandise, for the record, will always be at a bodega because what else would a bodega sell except their own merchandise? Evian Christ can be found in a bodega’s rich array of water bottles and Santeria candles, and well, pissed jeans. Do we want to know why there might be pissed jeans at a bodega? I think if you’re ever at the corner store and you encounter a pair of pissed jeans slouched near the bodega cat, you’ll want to step away ever so slowly. Abandon your hope for loosies and Arizona Iced Tea. It isn’t worth it.

Winner

Pissed Jeans; a bodega is not a good place to find urine stains.

Seeing the Forest For the Trees Edition

Woods vs. Tree

The old familiar adage sounds something like, “Seeing the forest for the trees,” which I’ve been told means that you can see the smaller issues instead of the larger picture. I actually don’t know if that’s true because I’m a writer, not a woodsman, but we’d have to see if we were faced with hiking through a vast wood or climbing up a singular tree, we’d pick the tree. Not about to be taken over by some inner-tree wizardry.

Winner

Tree; because Woods could be in on an occultist type of sorcery we refuse to be a part of.

Björk with umlaut vs. Bjork without

ALWAYS USE THE ÜMLAUT, THAT’S HOW SHE WANTS IT.

Winner

Bjork. I mean, Björk.

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