The Melvins' Buzz Osborne hates airports

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A diatribe to wifey while on the road.

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Buzz Osborne | June 9, 2011

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I've been writing letters to my wife from the road for over 17 years.

This is an outtake from one from the early 2000's… I believe it was a Fantomas tour…..

Here I am in the dressing room a little while before I play. I'm feeling very tightly wound and for no good reason at all. I feel as if I am losing my mind. I have only a few shows to go on this tour and then I head home. I'm not looking forward to the trans-atlantic flight at all. Anything could happen!

I hate flying. I mean I REALLY hate flying. I hate the airline industry. I hate airplanes. I hate airports. I hate people who work for the airlines. I hate the people who work at the airports. I hate flight delays. I hate flight cancellations. I hate cab drivers. I hate all forms of public transportation. I hate people. I hate people who think I should take a “loser cruiser” bus TO the airport. My god, just think about that. Do you have any idea how much gas is going to have to cost before I decide to take the loser cruiser bus to the fucking airport? I hate boarding passes. I hate getting to the airport. I hate getting home from the airport. I hate driving to the airport. I hate getting a ride to the airport. I hate the people who design airports. I hate car rental agencies. I hate the people who work at car rental agencies. I hate the police. I hate the security at airports. I hate the people who fly on airplanes. I hate the pilots who fly the airplanes. I hate airport “art.” I hate airport bathrooms. I hate the old and feeble anyway and I REALLY hate them on airplanes. I hate children anyway and I REALLY hate them on airplanes. I hate the handicapped. I hate the fact that they can get on the plane before me but I love that they have to get off last. Ha! I hate babies. I hate people who make babies. I hate airport mom. I hate airport dad. I hate public breast feeding. I hate baby food. I hate strollers. I hate kids running wild in airports. I hate kids on kid leashes. I hate airport crying. I hate the constant screaming. I hate that parents can't beat their heathen children to death if need be in airports. I hate unattended bags that aren't torn apart by dogs on the runways. I hate attended bags. I hate working airport dogs. I hate weed heads. I hate the way the air moves in airports. I hate watching people argue with flight attendants. I hate the way flight attendants dress. I hate everything about pilots. I hate airport food. I hate airport smokers. I hate airport smoking sections. I hate the fact that you can't smoke in an airport but you can let your kids live out the airport version of Lord Of the Flies with no questions asked. I hate biters. I hate dirty plastic hallways. I hate when moving sidewalks DON'T work but you still have to walk on them. I hate airport elevators. I hate dirty airport windows. I hate airport homos. I hate straight people. I hate having to take an airport shuttle. I hate having to take an airport train. I hate customs. I hate passport controllers. I hate anyone who's ever looked at or stamped my passport. I hate anyone who's ever thought it was OK for someone to look at or stamp my passport. I hate answering immigration questions. I hate anyone who has ever asked me an immigration question. I hate getting my finger prints taken at the airport. I hate having my picture taken at the airport. I hate having my bag searched. I hate anyone who has ever searched my bags. I hate anyone who has ever DECIDED to search my bags. I hate the airport x-ray machine. I hate the person who invented the airport x-ray machine. I hate all the people who have ever or will ever install an airport x-ray machine. I hate the people who run the airport x-ray machine. I hate the people who hired the people to run the airport x-ray machine. I hate metal detectors and I especially hate the fucking wand ones. I hate anyone who has ever searched me with a wand metal detector. I hate getting airport strip searched. I hate anyone who has ever searched me at all at an airport with or without the strip search. I hate ANYONE from a fucking airport touching me AT ALL. I hate anyone who's ever thought it was OK for someone to search me or my bags. I hate checking my bags. I hate baggage handlers. I hate baggage claim. I hate odd sized baggage claim. I hate people who travel with more than two checked bags. I hate the smart asses with NO checked bags. I hate people who eat. I hate watching people try to get drunk on little two inch bottles of booze. I hate the beeping people movers and the people who get to ride on them for some reason I've never been able to figure out. I hate first class. I hate the insane cost of first class. I hate the jackass boneheads with too much money IN first class. I hate business class. I hate the insane cost of business class. I hate the jackass boneheads with too much money IN business class. I hate seeing people in their fucking twenties wasting money on first or business class seats! You know these dumb shits don't own houses but none the less have decided to spend what amounts to a monster down payment on a BMW to sit in a horrendously overpriced, bullshit airplane seat. Fuck that shit. I hate airport announcements. I hate the people MAKING the airport announcements. I hate dirty toilets. I hate shitting in an airport bathroom NEXT to someone even if they are in a walled stall. I hate ass gaskets. I hate people who talk on their cell phone while shitting in an airport bathroom. I hate airport bathroom blowjobs. I hate never getting an airport bathroom blowjob. I hate never being offered an airport bathroom blowjob. I hate hand dryers. I hate airport graffiti unless it's the words “fuck you.” I hate the messy fucking pig bastards who use airport bathrooms. I've seen cleaner animal stalls at the fucking zoo! I hate frequent flyer miles. I hate frequent flyers. I hate people who upgrade with their pussy ass frequent flyer miles. What about those of us who are frequently pissed off flyers? What about those of us who are frequently fucked over flyers? I'll tell you what WE get, WE get nothing. WE get NO upgrade and are rewarded for our troubles with a horrible MIDDLE seat. I hate the section loading they do on some airlines. I hate lines. I hate waiting IN lines. I hate the person who invented the line. I HATE old ladies who take cuts in line. I hate people who walk around the planes with fucking bare feet. I hate nuns. I hate airplane drunks but I love zonked out airplane pill heads. I hate the people who NEVER shut the fuck up. I hate airplane movies and why is it they show nothing but Whoopi Goldberg atrocities on every trans-atlantic flight I've ever been on? I REALLY hate Whoopi Goldberg. I hate sitting on the runway. I hate prissy little momma betties greasing and burning. I hate airplane pillows. I hate airplane blankets. I hate window seats. I hate not having a window seat. I hate overhead luggage compartments. I hate storing things under the seat in front of me. I hate the safety announcements. I hate the thought of breathing oxygen through a butter dish as the plane plummets into the earth. I hate being told how to buckle a fucking seat belt. Are there really STILL people who don't know how to do this? Should we be worried about an adult who at this point doesn't know how to buckle a seat belt? I say fuck 'em if they are that dumb. I hate barf bags. I hate well thumbed airplane magazines. I hate thinking about a 600 mile per hour water landing. Has that ever happened? Do jumbo jet planes float after plowing into the sea? Do you have time to off load into a rubber raft before the destroyed body of the plane fills with sea water and sinks like a god damn stone? By the way, I'm taking my carry-on bag with me no matter what!

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