If you’re a fan of watching NFL pundits trip over themselves to use words like “intangible” and “Wonderlick” with the fury of a comment section about Jameis Winston, then you’re in luck! It’s the NFL draft, the most exciting time of peak hyperbole and narrative season. But if you’re like us, you’re also tired of having to steal Mel Kiper’s draft insight from your friend’s ESPN Insider account. We just want to know what you think Mel. Why are your thoughts so expensive (this one time of the year)? Luckily for you, our faithfully cheap reader, we’ve cut out the fat to give you this up-to-the minute mock draft, breaking down what you’ll be hearing all weekend from the pundits (except Todd McShay. We all know he just rides Kiper’s coat tails anyway).
No. 1 pick: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Local product with character issues will surely be looked at as a draft bust in years to come.
No. 2 pick: Tennessee Titans
Product of a system, not athletic with lots to prove, but the team is garbage so even if he doesn’t get injured, he’ll carry the entire load on his back.
No. 3 pick: Jacksonville Jaguars
They did the QB thing last year and now have to get someone on the other side of the field. I dunno, a big guy or something.
No. 4 pick: Oakland Raiders
Whoever it is, we’ll screw it up.
No. 5 pick: Washington
Can we trade it for a 35-year-old defensive player? No? How about a quarterback?
No. 6 pick: New York Jets
Somebody has to protect their not good quarterbacks.
No. 7 pick: Chicago Bears
They haven’t taken a receiver in the first round in 14 years. But Jay Cutler only wants to know what brand of smokes he likes.
No. 8 pick: Atlanta Falcons
Someone to help their defensive identity, because you couldn’t name a defensive starter unless they introduced themselves: “Hi, I’m O’Brien Schofield, Defensive End of the Atlanta Falcons.”
No. 9 pick: New York Giants
Someone to protect the child-like cranium of Eli Manning.
No. 10 pick: St Louis Rams
So many issues, only one pick. Just not another Sam Bradford!
No. 11 pick: Minnesota Vikings
Teddy Bridgewater needs a friend.
No. 12 pick: Cleveland Browns
What DON’T they need?
No. 13 pick: New Orleans Saints
Drew Brees is literally one hundred years old and they just lost their best receiver.
No. 14 pick: Miami Dolphins
Their running game is so bad, they’re thinking of bringing in some Greyhounds from the track to try out.
No. 15 pick: San Francisco 49ers
As long as whoever it is isn’t wearing khaki pants on draft night, they’re fine.
No. 16 pick: Houston Texans
They better just trade the pick to a sci-fi genetic scientist who can clone JJ Watt for every position.
No. 17 pick: San Diego Chargers
One of Philip Rivers kids, probably.
No. 18 pick: Kansas City Chiefs
Alex Smith and Andy Reid need to find a new player to disappoint.
No. 19 pick: Cleveland Browns
See No. 12.
No. 20 pick: Philadelphia Eagles
A trade or an Oregon Duck.
No. 21 pick: Cincinnati Bengals
The bigger question is, why Marvin Lewis still gets to make this pick? HOW DOES HE STILL WORK FOR THE BENGALS?
No. 22 pick: Pittsburgh Steelers
Troy Polamalu’s replacement.
No. 23 pick: Detroit Lions
Ndamukong Suh’s replacement
No. 24 pick: Arizona Cardinals
Bruce “Adult Man who wears Kangol’s” Arians has a trick up his sleeve.
No. 25 pick: Carolina Panthers
Can he take the blame off of Cam Newton? Probably not. Let’s do it anyways!
No. 26 pick: Baltimore Ravens
The Ravens have so few decent receivers, they’re not even doing background checks anymore.
No. 27 pick: Dallas Cowboys
Jerry Jones will come stumbling out of the dais bound to a chair screaming, “Whoever is Manziel this year!”
No. 28 pick: Denver Broncos
All first-round draft picks of the Broncos have to buy a Papa John’s franchise from Peyton Manning.
No. 29 pick: Indianapolis Colts
He has to be Andrew Luck’s best friend, because it’s starting to get lonely out there for old Lucky.
No. 30 pick: New Orleans Saints
Still no contingency plan for 100 year old Drew Brees? No? Okay, probably someone to protect him then.
No. 31 pick: New England Patriots
They should probably do a background check this time.