Who won the VP debate?

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joe biden with a joint

Who won last night's presidential debate? A CBS poll of undecided voters gave the victory to Vice President Joe Biden, but since we forgot to let our focus group of undecided voters out of the room we locked them in, we can't independently confirm that result. However, Impose did hire world-famous body language expert, Dwayne Fingerston, to interpret the candidate's mannerisms and the result is conclusive: Biden won, but just barely. Take a look at what Dwayne looked for in tabulating Biden's victory.

joe biden and paul ryan

To the layperson, the Vice President appears to be pleased with his written rebuttal of a particularly dubious point the congressman is making. But look closely at the unusual curl in his right index finger. I've only seen that curl once before, on fact-finding trip to the Amazon in 1982. That curl is indicative of the larvae of a Guyanese whimpering worm, which burrows itself into the base of the host's brain stem and causes extremities to contract and extend. Someone may have placed it in Biden's drink before the debate. It's been known to cause death, but mostly it just gives its host bad gas.

Proust believed that with enough practice, one could remember a time in their lives of deep, numbing pain and lassitude and cause the organs of anyone else in the room to erupt out of their eye sockets (famously, this technique was tweaked and adapted for the end of the first Indiana Jones movie). Biden is not quite there but he should be commended for trying. Also, Paul Ryan's barber uses a Sharpie to smooth out the edges.

Similarly, Proust also believed that if you remembered the first time you got laid in a motel room and walked down the hall afterwards to get ice and your towel fell off but no one saw you and your body glowed in the warm summer night air, you could unlock the power of the subconscious. Biden seems to have nailed this one, but Ryan's closed-eye reading of the i-ching was a good attempt at spooking his opponent.

Biden told reporters that he wanted to get a Pac Man shot of him eating stars, and he pulled it off. Ryan's hand at that 170 degree angle means he is regretting having never tried pizza-flavored Pringles, and the public doesn't like to see that kind of weakness in a debate. All could have been avoided if his hand was a little higher.

Our firm recommends that any politicians engaging in a debate wear extensive sanitary underpadding, and this is precisely why.

Joe Francis has spent millions of dollars on foam parties and attorneys fees to bottle the look of pure, naked devotion that's on Congressman Ryan's face. The fact that Biden somehow coaxed it out of Ryan without a camera, a free t-shirt and a release form proves that the VP definitely has a gig waiting for him after office.

Great synergistic use of empathetic body language here by the vice president to signal to Americans, “I have to inject you with this hypodermic needle filled with Truth & Prosperity in my right hand, and you are luckier for it.”

It's usually impolitic to describe one's phallus in graphic detail, but the way the VP chose to weave it into an anecdote about the necessity of the Large Hadron Collider is commendable. Also, the fact that the moderator, Martha Raddatz, is using a straw for her water means that she is afraid of elevators. Very interesting.

This is the look my dog gives me after he gets scared by loud thunder and shits underneath the futon.