13 alternative job ideas for a suspended A-Rod

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a rod

Ahead of the forthcoming announcement of Alex “A-Rod” Rodriguez's suspension for indulging in a Requiem For A Dream-level cocktail of PEDs over the series of his career* we thought the man could use a little job counseling. Not known to have any other skills besides putting balls in faraway places, we're sure the fret of having to leave baseball for an “indeterminate” and “likely indefinite” amount of time is scaring the pinstripes right off of his true-blues. We won't leave you hanging, you big hunk of artifice. For the following list, we've consulted with the best career counselor in the game, Nicholas Dogburn, who has helped every struggling ex-athlete to get back on their feet again free of charge.** And to honor A-Rod's spoiled number, we've capped the list at 13. Take it away, Dogburn. What can our boy do now?