Urgent emergency: Week 11 predictions

Post Author:
Magic 8 ball

In honor of this past week being the last of the NFL season with byes, I took a bye week.

I deserved it though. Back in week 9 I went 12-2 baby, upping my two-week record to 20-7. In case you're wondering why I have an extra win, I gave myself one for correctly predicting Wade Philips would be fired. But things are starting to get tougher now and as the playoffs approach teams are playing with more urgency. Like Foreigner.

Chicago Bears LogoChicago Bears vs. Miami Dolphinsmiami dolphins logo

Prediction: When can a dolphin beat a bear? When it turns into a wild cat (wow, that was gay). The Dolphins will be relying heavily on the college format with third string QB Tyler Thigpen now at the helm. Normally this would be bad news, but since the Dolphins haven't used the wild cat formation most of the year, defenses don't know how to play it. Least of all, the Bears. Man, that was kind of a serious prediction. Looks like I got some rust to shake off.

Baltimore Ravens LogoBaltimore Ravens vs. Carolina PanthersCarolina Panthers logo

Prediction: I've been riding the Panthers pretty hard this season, and with good reason. They suck. But I'm going to go out on a limb and stamp this one my upset of the week. The Ravens won't win by more than two touchdowns. Trust me, that's a victory for the Panthers.

Houston Texans LogoHouston Texans vs. New York JetsNew York Jets Logo

Prediction: I was having trouble deciding on this one. On one hand, Jets fans are so retarded for thinking wins over the league's worst teams means they are a Super Bowl contender. Then again, an eight year-old Jets fan was totally tackled by an adult in Cleveland. Wait, what am I saying, that is amazing. I'm going with the Texans to start the Jets descent back to average.

Buffalo Bills LogoBuffalo Bills vs. Cincinnati BengalsCincinnati Bengals Logo

Prediction: The Bills finally got on the win column last week beating the juggernaut that is the Detroit Lions 14-12. But that win might have cost them the only thing that really matters this season, the number one pick in next year's draft. Don't worry, they get back to form with a resounding L to the Bengals. Who also suck.

Oakland Raiders logoOakland Raiders vs. Pittsburgh SteelersPittsburgh Steelers Logo

Prediction: Who would've thought at the start of the year that the Raiders would not only be better, but more honorable than the Pittsburgh Steelers? Probably every girl Ben Roethlisberger has ever groped in a bathroom, that's who. I'm going Raiders.

Cleveland Browns LogoCleveland Browns vs. Jacksonville JaguarsJackson Jaguars Logo

Prediction: Since mocking the Mangenius he's gone on a tear, and if it wasn't for his rookie QB, he would be undefeated in those games. The jig is up though (I've always wanted to say that). The Browns will now lose every game left on the schedule, thus earning him the title, Mangina.

Detroit Lions LogoDetroit Lions vs. Dallas CowboysDallas Cowboys Logo

Prediction: Just when you thought the Thanksgiving games couldn't get any lamer, they make us sit through the two of them playing each other the week before. Seriously, I would rather take a fork to the eye than watch this game, but because I have Miles Austin on my fantasy team, I'm pulling for the Cowboys. Of course, if you know me, this means they'll lose.

Green Bay PackersGreen Bay Packers vs. Minnesota VikingsMinnesota Vikings

Prediction: Times sure have changed, haven't they? Only a few short years ago, Aaron Rogers was waiting diligently in Brett Favre's shadow, licking his chops for a chance to play. Now he's licking them for a chance to wipe the floor with the old man. And he will, but my bold predictions don't stop at the final score: Brett Favre will be knocked out of this game, ultimately ending his iron man streak next week.

Arizona Cardinals LogoArizona Cardinals vs. Kansas City ChiefsKansas City Chiefs Logo

Prediction: In the no one cares game of the week, the Chiefs will beat the Cardinals and Ken Whisenhunt will refuse to shake Todd Haley's hand.

Washington Redskins logoWashington Redskins vs. Tennessee TitansTennessee Titans Logo

Prediction: The Albert Haynesworth Bowl as it's being called by no one sees two teams who are fading faster than me at a Cyprus Hill concert. (Do the kids still know what that reference means?) The only thing this game will decide is who's the league's worst starting black QB. Sorry Vince Young. Somewhere Warren Moon is crying.

Seattle Seahawks logoSeattle Seahawks vs. New Orleans SaintsNew Orleans Saints Logo

Prediction: I'm holding my reputation to the fire on this one. I'm going out on a limb and saying Marshawn Lynch will carry the Seahawks to an upset win over the Saints. Trust me, I see the joke in there too, but two racist jokes in one post would just be wrong.

Atlanta Falcons LogoAtlanta Falcons vs. St. Louis RamsSt. Louis Rams Logo

Prediction: I'm going to make my boldest prediction yet: Papa John's spicy bold Buffalo chicken wing's are a travesty to the taste buds. I'm also predicting the Falcons as my early NFC Super Bowl favorite. They'll win this one.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers LogoTampa Bay Buccaneers vs. San Francisco 49ersSan Francisco 49ers Logo

Prediction: Bye Mike Singletary. (For the record, Blake Gillespie thinks Troy Smith will save Singletary's job.)

Indianapolis Colts LogoIndianapolis Colts vs. New England PatriotsNew England Patriots Logo

Prediction: The game of the week part 1. Every fiber of my being wants to see the Patriots lose, and it seems the only way I can make that happen is by predicting they will win. It hurts me to say this, but the Patriots will pull out the victory. C'mon bad luck, don't fail me now.

New York Giants LogoNew York Giants vs. Philadelphia EaglesPhiladelphis Eagles Logo

Prediction: The game of the week part 2. All it took was getting rid of Donovan McNabb to make this rivalry exciting again. I'm all on the Vick bandwagon like the rest of you dog-haters out there, but something tells me this will be the week he has a mild let down. It won't be anything dramatic, just enough to help spur the Giants to victory. Call it a hunch. A little doggie told me so.

Denver Broncos LogoDenver Broncos vs. San Diego ChargersSan Diego Chargers Logo

Prediction: The rivalry continues, and the only thing I care about is seeing if Tim Tebow can continue to light the lamp. Unfortunately, he'll have a total abortion of a game. The Chargers win easily.