NFL Week 5: The Picks

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Can we really measure things by wins and losses? Is throwing a touchdown an inherently better accomplishment than throwing an interception? What about five interceptions? It's never too late for a full recovery — the Oakland Athletics have just taught us that — but when the weekend rolls around some teams aren't too concerned with playing football.

What did we learn in the past seven days? Even if Miami isn't good, they'll likely be able to piss some people off. When making blanket statements about the quality of a player we need only to refer to the last game played. People are still conflating the right to freedom of speech with the right to limit equality.

Ah, but let's not get off target. It may be an election year, but first it's Week 5 of the NFL season. It's October. It's National Pizza Month. It's National Sausage Month. What else do you want? The rent checks have all cleared and the temperature is cooling in the normal states. Get out the old sweatshirt and grab your girl (or guy, or transgender, et al). It's not looking good.

Arizona Cardinals at St. Louis Rams
That was awesome. That is all. Tip Drill.

Miami Dolphins at Cincinnati Bengals
For some unknown reason, the football Miami feels much more wholesome than the basketball Miami. That's probably why they don't win many games. Who Dey by 5

Green Bay Packers at Indianapolis Colts
Indy, like most no-coast cities, can't have multiple sports teams operate at a successful level at the same time. The Pacers are back in favor, and we are grateful for this, because it's going to be a minute before the Colts finally recover. Green Bay by 14

Baltimore Ravens at Kansas City Chiefs
I'm not sure if or how many times I've made this distinction, but it bears repeating: the Ravens are named after the poem. Baltimore by 23

Atlanta Falcons at Washington Redskins
The Falcons really need to go back to the single color jerseys and simpler logo from 1990-96.Washington by 9

Cleveland Brownsat New York Giants
I'm sorry Cleveland. We all love you, but we're really sorry. Giants by 24

Philadelphia Eagles at Pittsburgh Steelers
Steelers will be operating at full force for the first time this season. An intrastate battle with both teams playing on a somewhat successful level, someone is bound to not show up. My money's on Vick. Pittsburgh by 14

Seattle Seahawks at Carolina Panthers
Seattle has to carry the burden of the Hail Mary “catch” all season. Carolina by 7

Chicago Bears at Jacksonville Jaguars
The Bears are kind of like their recent victims, the Cowboys. Some games make you think there's no possible way they can lose, while others drive home the deeper truth that there might only be three men on the roster who know for which sport they've signed up. They'll get Jacksonville, but it might be closer than necessary. Chicago by 10

Tennessee Titans at Minnesota Vikings
Is anyone following the Jerry Gray story? The NFL has sowed a culture of incredible retardation, and now we've got a coach having to backtrack for saying very coach-like things to his players. The game succeeds on its violence, the violence is horrible for its employees, and on and on, and there's a picture of a snake eating its tail, and that's probably not completely appropriate, but I guess the moral is it's a bad look when the dominating storyline from your camp is about a coach saying something rather than how you all are playing.
Minnesota by 10

Denver Broncos at New England Patriots
The first few weeks saw reports saying Peyton's arm is too weak, the Patriots need to figure things out, etc. Now we speak of renewing the rivalry between two of the best QBs ever. It's a coin toss. Heads, Denver wins; tails, someone fetches me a chocolate shake. Denver by 3

Buffalo Bills at San Francisco 49ers
We can't even say, “At least there's always hockey season.” I'm sorry Buffalonians. San Francisco by 18

San Diego Chargers at New Orlean Saints
Drew Brees feels passively honorable if that's a phrase that means anything. If you questioned a random 60-plus-year-old white lady, she would have something positive to say about Brees. If I had kids, I wouldn't let him give them instructions, though. I feel like they'd learn to dislike unions and would probably make off-colored jokes about non-whites, and poke me with their elbows saying something about not really meaning it, just that it's a funny joke. That's probably not true. The Birthmark is a solid individual. San Diego by 4

Houston Texans at New York Jets
The Jets might be the perfect NFL team. The vanity of Dallas, the athletic prowess of a gravel driveway, a turkey-neck formally chubby-bunny head coach, a couple of overpaid lumps sitting the remainder of the season on IR, and a suffocating me-me culture. Oh, lest we forget the chosen sub. Houston by 10

Year-end Predictions, take heed:
AFC Champs – Houston Texans
NFC Champs – Dallas Cowboys
Super Bowl Champs – Dallas Cowboys
Season MVP – Tony Romo
Offensive Player of the Year – Megatron
Defensive Player of the Year – J.J. Watt
Rookie of the Year – RGIII
Storyline of the Year – Tyra accuses Ben Roethlisberger of sexual misconduct. Landry bludgeons Big Ben with a lead pipe. Everything gets smoothed over and it's reported as another motorcycle accident. It's all super chill.