Baby oil, extension cords, thumbtacks and Red Bull

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slinky hair woman

So, I think I’ll start it off explaining a little bit about what I want to do with this column. First, I’ll be posting a photo of something like this:

Those are not hyper-colored dreads. Nor are they uber-colored braids. As I walked closer, I found out that they were more like Slinky™s than anything else. The colored coils would bounce up and down with every step this weirdo demi-god took. So photo taken. Posted here. That’s that.

Next, I’d like to play for you all a song:

Spanky & Our Gang, “Definitions of Love” (In player, below.)

If you want to make it really weird while listening to this you can imagine me singing it to you while I lay in Comfort Reclining Pose #23.

Thirdly – and this is how I’d like this column to go: 1,2,3 – I shall tell you all a tale: (Real-life alien encounters are for later. We’re gonna ease into this part.)

This one is short and contains shopping lists.

So a couple years back I had a gig writing trivia for a Star Trek TV show. I got to work at home in my underwear and was paid very nicely. The problem was my work ethic and the temptation to have fun outside like everyone else was. So, I chose to sleep through the days and work through the nights. Less temptation. At the same time, an ex-girlfriend was wanting to get into ‘artsy’ semi-nude modeling. I figured I could help her out.

Turns out, that around 11am (late at night for me) I found myself at the drugstore getting supplies for my quasi-perverted adventure. I ran into a friendquaintence of mine, and realized that I had weird things in my basket: baby oil, extension cords, thumbtacks and a Red Bull. Uncomfortable pause in the conversation. Baby oil for the leg shinings and such. Extension cords for the lights. A box of thumbtacks to set up backdrops. A Red Bull to keep the eyes open. They all made sense for the morning/evening’s activities, but sure looked like I had something even more sinister in store. I got a little weird probably, but then I noticed that the man in front of me was purchasing a carton of cigarettes and six home enemas. The strangeness was passed on to this enema bandit, and I felt more normal as I walked off. End scene.